Disappointed with me, myself, and I

So much time away, and so much to reflect on in the past 20 years (yes, back to the original Open Diary days when I first started a different diary under a different alias in what seems like a different lifetime).  My overall assessment:  disappointing.  Yep, I am disappointed with me, myself, and I.  One or two of them are usually doing “the right thing,” but man oh man that third guy is slacking most times.  I have to get them all on the same page and pulling in the same direction!

I think I suffer from mild chronic depression.  Mental illness is no joke.  I have several family members whom are on meds for depression, bipolar disorders, and/or anxiety.  I have never been definitively diagnosed, but I’m pretty sure that I know myself.  It makes things interesting sometimes, for sure.

I have lots of stable, boring, life-goes-on days during a month, but occasionally I find myself ranting about every little thing that’s going on or doing things that are a bit strange (like asking the coffee maker to be quieter when making coffee, or reminding myself to just keep going, no matter how tired I am, because that way everything will get done before bed).  I call them “manic episodes” for lack of a better term.  It’s like a Jekyll & Hyde thing almost.  Which personality is going to appear at 5AM when I wake up?  I never know.  Which one is going to show up again after 8PM when I get super tired after a long day?  I never know.  Thankfully, Mr. Hyde (that’s the evil one, in case you didn’t know) doesn’t stay around very long… usually.

So yeah, anyway, I am disappointed with me, myself, and I.  Life goes well for a while, and then it gets overwhelming.  I forget about taking care of myself in favor of just surviving the day-to-day routine with all of the things that need to get done.  More than a few times, I have told other people that they are no good to anyone else if they are not good to themselves, and yet here I am after 6 months of 2020, not taking care of myself much anymore.  The stay-at-home routine is so different from the previous one that I find myself bored and eating lots of junk food that I would never eat before.  I can’t get out and take long walks because the routines of everyone else around me are different and restrictive on my time.  I can’t sleep a lot because there’s always lots to do every day.

I guess what I realize by typing this out is that I have a lot of EXCUSES.  I have to change that.  What’s that old saying, the journey of 1000 miles starts with one step?  I don’t like where I am right now, and I will change that somehow.

One thing about most of my diary entries is that they are rambling, sometimes disjointed brain dumps.  This one is no exception.  I dunno, this feels weird to type out, and yet…  strangely familiar.  I think I’ll be back again sometime soon to continue this OD journey.


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