Love Under Will Part 5

Lady Lazurus………

I wasn’t convinced that recovery was possible. I suspected I might already be dead. It felt like somebody had shot a giant hole in my chest, but I wouldn’t die…..why wouldn’t I die? And if I wasn’t dead, I was already forfit to God anyway, so why go on like a talking corpse until I rotted in my shoes? Why live? I didn’t want to use and I couldn’t stop…..I was so defeated.

Yes….there were attempts…..to end it.

As the first days of treatment slowly moved along, I started to get this intrusive urge to get on my knees….you must be kidding….no way. (I swear it felt like I was being pushed.)But eventually that’s what happened. On my knees in the dark of my room, I tried to find God. I  wasn’t really sure how to go about it. I imagined a place in the universe and Ruth and Job and an Owl…(Sophia)…..I said, "Please….I give up…show me how to live." It was a clumsy attempt at best, yet one I repeated every night after, refining and narrowing it a bit. At my most helpless and hopeless moment,  I was granted unseen peace and grace,  and for the first time in years…..I felt like breathing.