Day #4 – Stupid Gremlins
Damn! I am so pissed off. Ive been putting off coming here all night ..doing everything I could to stay away. Every time Id sit down to type, something else more important that needed my IMMEDIATE attention would come up. So here it is ..3 ½ hours later and I finally get myself together and my effing CABLE INTERNET IS OUT!!! Lately its been doing this a lot in the evenings .fecking rip off pay all this money each month for crappy service.
So here I am in Word , not letting myself cop out again.
So this from earlier today:
I just read this in a magazine. The key to having a turning point experience is realizing that it can masquerade as an insult or irritation. So Im sitting here thinking about my own turning point experience and I cant think of any one specific situation that would be a life altering experience by itself. Ive had a bunch of tuning point experiences that when all lumped together are bigger than a nuclear bomb and make for a super failure of a life.
I feel so black and ugly and hateful inside. Its taking over every thought in my day. Things around me are suffering. I dont know why I keep dragging my feet on getting this all down? Because I know what Ive done and I know whats been done to me but to see it all written before me .right in front of my face might be more than I can handle and I cant afford at this point in my journey to change the situation Im in.
What I really want to do is sit in a dark corner and have the worlds biggest pity party for myself .I want to scream and cry that life isnt fair I deserve happiness and fulfillment too! I want to get rid of all the poisons in my life that are keeping me this bitter ugly person. I want to just cry and cry and cry but most of all I want to be happy and I want to love.
I smile all damn day and no one knows or has a clue that this is all a fake performance. I could win an Oscar. I have kind of hinted that Im a bit depressed to the school nurse whom I really love, shes a wonderful, crazy lady .anyway she thinks Im having a midlife crisis *sigh* Ive felt this way for the past 17 years or so. Thats kind of a long mid-life crisis dont you think? She means well tho.
Its so important that I face this crap its the only way I can start to heal and be the healthy person I know I am. I have run and abused my body for way too long and its going to be such a long road home.
So lets get this show underway .theres no one home the short guy is asleep, I have no excuse .its all right here at the surface now, threatening to just explode.
On to the next entry