Day #3 – Lets try this again.
Here I was…already to type in this whole longgggg entry and I spill an ENTIRE soda on my keyboard. Does anyone know how damn SLOWWWW a kid moves when asked to grab something QUICK??
Anyways…I did come back after the cleanup altho I’ve kind of lost my momentum. Im just gonna type it all in as I have it written down….
Well ok….261 this morning…better than 270 I guess. I feel like Im slowing down. This is my last chance to save my life…I get no more chances…one more time and I strike out.
My God, I look at my disgusting self in the mirror and I am APPALLED at what I see. How did I do this? I used to be a pretty attractive woman. These fat rolls are the ugliest thing Ive ever seen in my life. No wonder John doesnt want to touch me…I wouldnt want to touch me either. At least Im hoping thats why he wont touch me….I can and will fix that.
My biggest fear is that Ill get bored with all of this and fall back on old bad habits. Lose a few lbs & thats it. I cannot do that.
The depression is becoming a slow, dull ache, not quite as sharp, still there but I’m not crying every 5 minutes….only every 15 minutes now. Maybe I’ll write a book about all of this when all is said and done? Fat people like to read other fat peoples stuff right? Ill have to think of a good title. Something catchy but all I can think of at the moment is “I Was a Fat Soccer Mom”
Good God! The size of all of our butts on the side lines! NASTY!!!
Started reading Dr. Phils “Ultimate Weight Loss Solution”. What the hell…I’ve tried everything else. He says “Its time to land this plane” ….I’m thinking more along the line of spiriling out of control to a firey crash.
Im on page 10 and so far its all about pumping the reader up for the “7 Keys to Success” …blah blah blah….we’ll see.
He is right about not trying to change fast. Gimmicks, fads, special diets…I’ve tried it all…and wanted it to work YESTERDAY. I know this time its going to take a long long time….but where else am I going?
I feel really dumb sitting here reading this and writing while my fat rolls all over the place. A part of me believes this will be no different from any of the other times but that “other” person inside me cant breathe. I cannot believe this is me. I cannot believe that I have allowed food to rob me of who I really am. I am as bad off as an alcoholic or drug addict.
There could be underlying reaosns…who knows…Dr. Phil thinks so. I went thru nasty stuff as a kid and I’ve done horrible things as an adult. I kNOW I put my ex-husband and my kids thru hell for a couple of years. The ex is doing great and Im happy for him and my kids will eventually escape me…but Im stuck with myself. I guess I am just a crazy, screwed up bitch who is getting her just desserts….and eating them too.
Key #1 according to old Phil is “Right Thinking” I have to face my “personal truth” (personal “hell” is more like it)
Is my personal truth the reason I have a weight problem? I always thought it was because I like the taste of bad food.
This is really going to be harder than I thought. I dont want to face these demons/truths head on. They’ve skittered to the surface here and there on occaision but I’ve always shed a tear and squashed it down. I’ve never let myself fully feel the fear, guilt, anger, shame ect ect ect. Never let on to anyone that Im feeling like shit.
I’ve hurt a lot of people but I’ve also been hurt and maybe blowing the doors wide aopen to a world of people I dont know and who in turn dont know me will free my guilty soul. HA HA HA.
Man it would be so nice to have a free flying consience…I’d feel like a new person. I’ve been told in the past that God forgives but if I cant forgive myself…how the hell can He?
I just cannot start this purging tonight…….. the thoughts are threatening to take over and I wont be albe to get to sleep….I can stay up late tomorrow night and I ll have the computer …and house…to myself. So all my little demons can run amok and do what they will.
I will warn you….if there is anyone reading this….I have done some things that I will never feel forgiven for… alot of anger and pain will be flying …so if you are offended…go read some happy persons diary.
Good night and sleep well.