Physical affection
Note–this entry may be a little PG-13.
I was texting my cousin a little last night, explaining to her why I did not attend our triennial family reunion:
Me–I don’t want to be close to anyone in any way.
Her–That’s not anyway to be. People are amazing. Most of them anyway.
Me–I wish it were different. People make me nervous. Even family. That’s the main reason I didn’t go to the reunion.
Her–Ughhh, I’m sorry. Well I wish you would have gone.
Me–Too many people.
Her–It was great. We all missed you.
Me–Hmmm…a little exaggerated? I haven’t been to one for 13 years.
Her–Well I haven’t seen you in forever and people were asking about your family.
Me–Well there’s nothing much to say about my family.
Her–It would have been good to see you all. Next one?
Me–Probably not. Who knows…I may be dead by then.
Her–Well I’m drifting off to sleep here. Go get some sleep cuz. Don’t talk like that. You sound like my mom.
Ok…so why include this conversation? This particular cousin is related by marriage. Several years ago we talked a lot over texting so she knows more about me than most people, which is one reason I hesitate to see her in person again.
I often wonder about the girlfriends and wives I’ve been with and if they honestly enjoyed any physical affection they had with me, or were they just going through the motions? Did they really enjoy the kissing, touching, and whatever else we did, or was it just part of the game?
I think about this because I am not inclined anymore to show physical affection. My extended family does a lot of this? What happened to me that turned me off from it? Why do I feel like I have to avoid family gatherings?
My dad was extremely handsome. He was a cross between Sean Connery and Elvis Presley (I can’t watch old Bond movies without thinking of him). My mom is a beautiful woman. All of my siblings are attractive people. What happened to me?
When I even think of being intimate with any woman, my mind immediately says “Are you kidding? She won’t enjoy this. ” When someone approaches me to hug or even shake hands, I shudder.
I wish I knew what happened.
If you’re family is attractive, you probably are, too. You might not feel that way about yourself, but that’s because we are our own worst critics. I’m sure that the women who you were with felt lucky to be with you, especially your current wife, back when the two of you were intimate, and your first wife.
I think that a lot of your issues with physical intimacy and being close to people might have had a lot to do with you being molested as a child. You should talk to your therapist about that experience and how it has affected your thoughts on being intimate, with friends, family and romantically.
My boyfriend’s uncle was married to a woman who had been sexually molested as a child. They got divorced, because she had issues with intimacy, and a lot of people who were molested as children have related problems.
Used the wrong you’re in this case. It should have been ‘your’, not ‘you’re.’ If it helps at all, I’m using OD on my cellphone.
Warning Comment
*hugs*
For what it worth I think you are awesome and shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
I’m a survivor of sexual abuse that started in early childhood. It absolutely affects how look at intimacy. When your first recollection of it is pain that is hard to overcome.
Best of luck, my friend
Warning Comment
I agree with the others who noted here….there is a definite connection between the things that happened to you and your distaste for intimacy. And it is okay to avoid hugs and touching… I mean if the person isn’t close to your heart, why should they be close to your person? I’m not much of a hugger myself. I try but would just rather not. I hope you can find all of your answers and be comfortable just being you.
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I once dated a guy who was not conventionally handsome, preferred his alone time, was a deep introvert who hated crowds, and had not had the best of luck with the ladies.
It was honestly the best relationship I’ve ever had. I knew that his affection was genuine because he didn’t offer it up to just anyone; I knew when he called me it was because he wanted to see me, and it probably took him at least 15 minutes to work up the nerve to pick up the phone; I knew when we went out and there was a crowd that he felt safe and secure with me, and knew that we could leave whenever one of us got uncomfortable socializing; and I knew that he was loyal to me, because he knew what it was like to be taken for granted.
Long story short (too late!) if someone is with you, chances are that they enjoy the affection and that they want to be with you. If someone was ever with you just out of convenience…well, chances are they’d be that way with anyone they were with and it has nothing to do with you. 🙂
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