wait and wait and wait some more

i feel so helpless. i just want to know what’s going on in my body! am i sick? am i imagining it? am i about to get my period?  am i pregnant?

i want to know. but…i want it to be only one thing.  how will i deal with the disappointment if it’s not pregnancy?  and how will i deal with going through this month after month, trying to analyze one symptom after another?

i have to stay positive and be realistic at the same time. how do i do that when i find myself dreaming of this baby that i may or may not have inside me? that makes me smile.  i suppose i’m not as realistic as i try to be. 

i thought i was going to cry over nothing yesterday, told my husband i was sad, was promised a big hug when he got home but when he came home i was fine.  what can that mean?  one of my nipples has been itchy for a couple days now. what can that mean?  felt nauseous only a bit today. what can that mean?  i’m confused. i can’t even read the phone book properly. what can that mean? my sense of smell seems to be heightened but maybe it was that way before…i can’t remember…but the other night when the dog lifted his nose b/c he could smell something in the other room (buns thawing in the kitchen), i could smell it too but my friend couldn’t. what can that mean?

i don’t know what anything means.  i’m worried that i will have to go through this over and over. 

oh well, smile and continue on, right?

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