8 more days

Sugar Says…

i have started counting down to the appointment i made with the new cardiologist. 8 more days, and i’ll have an idea what’s happening. i am both excited and terrified. mostly terrified. and i don’t really have the words to explain why. it isn’t like he’ll be giving me the scary information for the first time – i already googled that stuff. maybe it’s that if a doctor addresses it with me, it’ll be real? i don’t know. but i am fearfully looking forward to this visit.

i haven’t been sleeping well. one of the symptoms of this disease is excessive night time bathroom needs. and lord, do i have those. no matter how much i do or don’t drink, (almost exclusively water) i am up once an hour to pee. sometimes every forty minutes. exhausting.

i got an interesting message last night from TheEvan. not sure how i feel about it yet, but there it is. basically, he wanted to say hello, and that he misses me, and he’s sorry about how we left things — OVER TWO YEARS AGO. i miss him too, but he really tried me, and i’m not sure i’m up for it again, even long distance. it’d be nice if we could find our way back to being friends, but i don’t trust him right now. he has a lot of work to do on that. i was supposed to call him when mom got settled, but it was after 11, and when i sent him a “you up?” message, he didn’t answer – so i didn’t call. maybe today. we’ll see.

i haven’t shared my new diagnosis with many people. the girls from school (rhonda, jill, dawn, diana, and leeanne) cathy (i think she told tom, which is totally fine.) teresa, jayb, wenda. i haven’t spoken with thumper yet, or fox. i’ve been avoiding it. i just cry every time i talk about it, and i don’t have much information other than It’s Not Good. it isn’t cancer, but right now, the way i feel, it might as well be.

i hate how much the diagnosis explains. i said to TheEvan last night, “hell, you know how it was the last few years – i couldn’t breathe once i got up your stairs, even as the pounds melted away. it just never got better. we chalked it up to the usual cardiac stuff, but we probably shouldn’t have. i might have been able to get treatment sooner.” this has been happening for much longer than i really remember. like i said, i always just chalked it up to old diagnoses. we medical people are not good patients, anyway, but. my avoidism policy probably needs to go, now. ugh.

i really needed to vent, but i lost my juice. i’m just scared of all this. and i wish spydr was here. he was always so encouraging, and empathetic. he was always, always here for me with my medical bullshit, and navigating this without him (and without wenda – she’s been there for EVERYTHING since the pacemaker.) is new and sort of terrifying, if i’m honest. i told wenda last week i wished i could fly her here, so she could come with me and hold my hand for this appointment. it wouldn’t work, though. she’d have to quarantine for two weeks, and who has time for that? besides, jen and sammi can’t take victoria for two plus weeks. that would be a disaster.

but i still wish they were here.

i suppose i’ll sign off now. my thoughts are a mess, and i don’t want to fight to put the words in order right now.

maybe later.

–  says sugar