Virtual Butterflies

dear spydr…

i have to tell you, lovey, that if anyone had told either of us what the world would look like today, we would have been incredulous. total disbelief, that much i can promise you. it’s wild, how we’ve swayed from business as usual to this near-total-lockdown we’re all experiencing now. watching everyone else go through the quarantine has been a mixed bag for me. like i keep saying, i’ve been training for this for months! you know how little i got out after i moved here, and what the constraints were (and will be again.) it’s been a lot like quarantine, actually. i joked to wenda the other day that i didn’t realize my normal life was called “quarantine.” it fits. now, everyone else who felt sorry for your poor stuck sugarz is going through the same thing…only they’re all at the very beginning of it, which is the torturous part. poor things. they’ll get used to it over the next week or so, by hook or by crook, but when normal life resumes…man. wheeee! it’ll be a free for all.

we’re planning to do your memorial when normal life resumes, at starlite. i made wenda promise me to give me enough time to get there, if i’m cleared to fly. honestly, even if i’m not, i’m going. in that way, this has been a bit of a blessing for me. i will still be able to see you off with the family we shared. it makes me happy, and sad, and a little terrified, if i’m honest. i promised logan i’d keep him in the loop, too, so that if he can swing it, he can also be there. that would mean a lot to us both, i think. well. three of us, if we count logan.

all of that being said, i must admit that this has been a time of Big Socializing for me. everyone has moved to doing the online thing, so i get to join in for once. it’s awesome, truly! i have spoken to more people, video chatted more people, played more games, laughed more, than i have in the entire time since i moved here. isn’t that sad? i can count on one hand the truly awesome times i’ve had in the last ten months in person, but there hasn’t been a night for me in almost two weeks that i haven’t video chatted with SOMEONE. it soothes the soul.

i’ve also done a little more singing. it hasn’t been great, or easy, but it’s happening, and that’s healing in its own way. i still can’t get through the ones that mean the most to me…even the adele songs aren’t coming old hat anymore, and even when they do, i cry a third of the way through when i remember you watching me from our table. a phrase in a song brings up your face, and the expression on it, and the look in your eyes, and i’m just….that’s still a little too vivid. the pain of that is bright, and sudden, and unexpected, and i just don’t have the power to stop the tears. which…you know i can’t sing when i’m crying, babe. you’ve seen me fail at that on many occasions. <3

since i know it’s up to me to keep you up on all the gossip, guess who’s been sniffing around wenda again? man, will is never going to learn a thing. they have done this three times, and all three times, it ends the same way. he is the biggest glutton for punishment. like, hi, will, your permanent reservation at the heartbreak hotel is waiting, come use it! buy wenda things, so she can break your heart in four months! whee! good times.

i hope he doesn’t dive back into that mess. you and i both know (and i already said to her!) that boredom leads to broken hearts, and she’s all talking about getting back into a relationship with him DURING THIS LOCKDOWN. i told her, leave it BE. wait until you’re all set free again, so that you can decide with a clear head — not out of boredom — whether or not you want to break his little willy heart again. we also both know she’ll do what she wants. LOL stay tuned!

i’m doing okay, babe. the best i can, you know? i speak about once a week to India. she’s doing the best she can, too. you’d be so proud, baby, she got a big promotion at work, and is in the diagnostic radiation department now! front lines, your girl. keep those arms tight around her, so she stays healthy and safe, papa. she misses you desperately, as do i, but she’s putting one foot in front of the other. she is a wonder, your girl. i keep in touch with logan. he sends me funny things, checks in on me. i do the same with him. sometimes we “go there” and actually talk about you. he said monday was a bad day for him. that he really, really, just needed him some spydr. so he sent you a slew of messages, and said he felt better for it. i told him, he knew you better than anyone. sometimes even better than you. he knows what you’d say. he knows how you’d react. told him again, i write to you often

i’ve let him in a little about our more personal details. he asked me if we were “together,” and i told him no, we weren’t. because as far as i was concerned, we weren’t. we hadn’t even talked about that. i didn’t get into a lot of details, but i did tell him that we hadn’t even figured out where we stood yet, we were too busy dancing around it all. (…it wasn’t a bad dance. just being honest.) in truth, i figured that was something we’d learn a bit about when i came down to visit, like we planned. i mean, hard to figure that all out when i’m here, and you’re there, right? each of us was just as single as we started out being…except maybe i’d have hesitated, had i had other opportunities here? i don’t know. it never came up. i’m not stupid, spydr. in my heart, i loved you already. we both knew how we felt. we said what we had to say, and i’ll never forget that night, as long as i live. we just didn’t know what to DO about it. i certainly wasn’t about to push you, and you weren’t in any hurry, so. we let it play out….and look. look how awesome it was. we have some of the best memories, memories and moments and so much shared life…it almost seems like it would have been too easy to build what was coming. like it would have been impossible to fail. that was a little daunting, too. i don’t want to get it, but i do. and, truth be told, i wouldn’t have it any other way, i truly wouldn’t. our foundation was solid. i wouldn’t change a damned thing. well. except maybe, it wouldn’t have ended on march 7th.

it always seems, after logan and i talk about you, at least for me, like maybe that was too heavy a conversation, you know? like…i need to take a break, and just breathe a minute. i usually let him be for a day or two, then give him a poke, but i don’t know why. it helps me. i did let him know i’m here for him no matter when or what, so. i don’t feel so bad stepping away, he knows how to get me.

it’s easter weekend, love. i hope the celebrations where you are blow your mind.

time for me to go cook. i love you. i think about you all the time. i want to call your phone, just to hear your recording….but i don’t dare.

i miss you, spydr.

lolak.

…your sugarz