my day

Two of my friends confessed to me. One of the girls has a baby and shes taken, shes an irl friend and I’ve known her in high school. The other girl is someone I’ve been online friends with for years but I barely talk to them.

I like the first girl, but she has a partner. The second girl isn’t really my type, but shes an amazing friend and I have no clue where I would be without her. But, I cant wrap my head about why they like me? What’s there to like? Maybe they’re just trying to be nice or maybe they just feel bad. I refuse to believe that anyone could like me. And ever since my last relationship, I’ve been so afraid of love and afraid to open up again just to be hurt. It hurts to think this way, but this is just called keeping myself safe. I’d rather never be loved again than to be hurt like I was all over again. Which sounds terrible to say but that’s just how I feel about this love stuff now.

But, me and the first girl to flirt a lot, and were sexual here and there. Maybe this makes me a bad person. But she said that her partner barely does anything with her or the baby. She said that her partner hasn’t been giving her attention, and that he only plays games and watches tv. I don’t want to be seen as only a person who gives her attention though, I want more than that unfortunately. To be honest, I wish I had confessed to her in high school, she said she liked me then too. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid. What if she is just lying about liking me? What if shes just keeping me around? What if she only said that so I would keep giving her attention? I’m sure she means no harm, shes amazing and super super sweet. But I cant help but overthink.

Overthink.. I think that’s mainly what ruined my last relationship. Me constantly asking for reassurance, crying about every tone change, distancing myself when something is wrong. I taught myself to open up about overthinking because I thought it was normalized and that I would be okay. But that wasn’t the case, instead it just ruined everything.

Now, I’m afraid to talk to her (who I will call S) about my overthinking because I’m afraid I will overwhelm her and bore her and make her tired of me if I ask for reassurance or talk about my overthinking. My ex would get mad that I over thought, he didn’t like it when I didn’t believe him. But how could I not? He gave me every reason to not believe him. I’m not saying S is giving me a reason to not believe her, but that’s just what I’m used to and I can’t seem to change my mind about it. I don’t want to mess everything up again. I don’t want to lose another person. Right now, I only talk to 3 people. S, my best friend, and my cousin. Every single other friend just ignores me when I talk in the group chat, and I cant seem to find motivation to message new online friends back (sometimes I do, they are amazing and I’m very thankful for them). I feel bad for not responding, I feel bad for saying “Yeah we can game tomorrow!” and then as soon as tomorrow comes, I say, “Sorry, we have to play tomorrow.”

I hope my online friends don’t think I’m ignoring them. I’m just going through so little but it feels like so much. It feels heavy and sometimes it hurts. I relapsed not long ago and even though its not bad, I still feel like shit. Summer is approaching and I cant keep wearing long sleeves and hoodies throughout the heat. But what else do I do with this mental pain? How else do I bare with this feeling. How else do I keep myself calm? I wish I hadn’t stopped therapy when I graduated, I could really use it right now. Even though I was too embarrassed to talk about my problems with my therapist anyways, and I always said “I’m fine, nothing wrong.” but it was nice knowing that she was there for me always, even when all I said was I’m fine. I have her number, and tbh I might message her soon if I cant find a way to deal with myself.

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