Never let them see you cry…

Oh my gosh I was never so ready to leave work today.

You know how the #1 rule of Fight Club is never to talk about Fight Club? Well, the #1 rule of nursing is to never let them see you cry. For reals, y’all.

I went to work this morning and was cheerily greeted by the other nurses like usual. I seriously ask myself every single day how in the world it is that they can be so stinkin’ happy all the time. I do not have that skill. I also do not have the skill that lets me even look like I am on Cloud 9. I am great with my patients but when I go on shift at 0500 I am not all smiles and teeth like they are. Oh well.

The morning was great; it went by in the blink of an eye. I went to one of our offices to work in the afternoon because their triage nurse had gone home sick. No biggie. I love being there so I was happy to go. With an hour left in my shift there was a ruckus in one of the exam rooms and I went in to see if I could help. It was like a bomb was going off: chairs being thrown against the wall, screaming, kicking, and an overall madness filled the room and echoed down the hall. I could only get the door open a crack but the nurse told me that Dr. B needed Dr. W in that room ASAP. I said okay and went to fetch Dr. W like I had been asked to do. I knocked softly on the door of the exam room Dr. W was in and said, “Excuse me Dr. W but Dr. B needs your help in Room 9.” He excused himself from his patient and went to Room 9 which was still a hot mess of chaos. I went back to the triage area and went about my business. At some point between me fetching Dr. W and him going to Room 9, Dr. B had left the room. Upon realizing this Dr. W went into a total tizzy and chewed me a new butt hole. I have never been so humiliated. More than anything I was stunned and if you know me, you know that it takes a lot to rattle me.

When Dr. W was done ripping me a new one, I sat in my chair in shock. In that moment I was so grateful that I didn’t have a patient, the phone wasnt ringing and I was able to process what had happened even if it was only for a second. The other triage nurse looked at me, all of the color drained from her face. I felt my chest tighten and my pulse quicken. I could note a change in my respirations and for a split second I thought the floodgates might open and that my eyes would spring a leak.

I was shaken. Deeply.

I didn’t even get the chance to make a rebuttal, not that anything I could have said in that moment would have made a bit of difference.

I’ve been yelled at before, plenty of times, but not like that and not at work. I felt belittled, embarrassed, humiliated, and, in some small way, bruised. I want to believe that I don’t know why Dr. W decided it was a good idea to scream at me but I guess it was because he thought Dr. B needed him and when he arrived to help, Dr.  B wasn’t there. How that became my fault is unclear but sometimes in life you don’t need a reason, I guess. I mean, logically you do but in reality, it doesn’t always happen. I think what bothers me most is that he felt it was okay to verbally assault me in front of my peers. I’ve always been taught ‘Praise in public, put down in private’ but maybe he never got that lesson. Selfishly, after the yelling was done and he’d walked away, I thought to myself, “…and to think I’ve been feeling so sorry for you today because your mother is on her deathbed…”. I still feel sorry for him and I know he is under a lot of pressure but I also know that when I lost a parent I didn’t go around yelling at people. I am so emotionally conflicted right now that I can’t think straight. If it weren’t for the fact that I just had my hair cut and blown out yesterday I would be crouched down in a steaming hot shower sobbing my eyes out just to relieve the tension I feel.

I managed to hold off the waterworks until the end of my shift. On the way out another nurse tried to stop me and ask what happened but I said I didn’t want to talk about it and kept on walking. I was on a mission to get out the door and to my car with as little interaction with others as possible. I sat in my car for a minute before starting the ignition because I needed to compose myself.

I hadn’t planned on writing such a crap entry today but sometimes the universe has other plans.

I hope that Dr. W goes home and thinks about what happened today and maybe he will feel bad but I’m pretty sure the #1 rule of being a doctor is never say you’re sorry when you’re wrong.

Only time will tell.