What I’m Missing

I feel like I’m finally coming out of the tunnel vision of being a new mom and now I’m desperately trying to find myself again. I’ve started to exercise again, which has helped, but I’m still super bummed a lot of the time. My life will not be what it was and I’m okay with that, but I’m not okay with feeling like a slug. It’s pretty lonely and monotonous being home with a baby all day.

It’s very hard to do things with an infant. My husband is at work all day and I’m just home with the baby all day, day after day. Being a stay-at-home mom is not as glorious as it sounds. You would think that not having to work would be great, but I’m not diggin’ it.  I live in a 500 square foot box, so it looks messy with even 1 thing on the floor, and with a baby, there’s always tons on the floor, especially now that she’s playing with toys more. I do try to go outside and go on walks, but I live on the corner of 2 major streets, so it’s not exactly a safe and relaxing place to walk with my baby. We have a small side yard, but we also have a dog and a tortoise that defecate all over the yard, so it’s not sanitary for me to play with the baby out there. (I’m not sure why my husband insists on keeping the tortoise, we just keep it alive and he eats, poops, and sleeps. It literally adds nothing to our life 🙄). Also, everyone that I’m close to, I’m not physically close to. My family is an hour way and all of the my closest friends are at least 30 minutes from me. I don’t have anyone that I can easily go visit. Overall, it’s really a lot of work to get out of the house. I’m always weighing out the pros and cons of leaving the house. There has been more than one occasion where my baby is screaming bloody murder in the back seat and I can’t do anything because I’m on the freeway. It’s awful. It’s like having someone blowing a fog horn in your ear while telling you to hurry and you’re stuck at a red light. Anyway, this is my life now, so I’ve really been trying to figure out how to make time for me in the midst of my new reality.

Today I was on TikTok listening to Bridgerton Musical duets. I love Bridgerton! The musical songs by Abigail Barlow are amazing. It made me happy and I realized that what I’m missing right now is my creative outlet. I’ve always been a performer. Dancing, singing, cheerleading, acting, and always on stage. Before the virus ruined all of our lives, I was taking some acting classes in LA and really enjoying it.  I even took a screen writing class and loved it too. I have 20 pages of screenplay written that I really need to finish. When I wasn’t working, I spent my free time doing something artistic. Acting is my favorite of them all. The saddest thing for me right now is that acting is one of the most challenging things to do as a full time mom. I literally can’t afford the time it takes to be in a play or film. 😪I feel like I was really starting to grow as an artist too.

I had my first paid gig just before covid and I’m pretty sure I have a 100% call back record. I don’t remember the last time that I didn’t get a call back for a part. At my last audition I was called back 4 times on 4 different days and made it to the final call back. It was for a short film and it had a great script. I didn’t get the part I wanted, but they did cast me as a smaller part. I declined the part though because I ended up being cast in a play that was much closer to home. Sadly, acting is kind of off the table right now. Guess I’ll just have to stick to writing. It’s not my strength, but it’s the only creative outlet I can make time for at the moment. I should take a creative writing class sometimes. I think I would enjoy it.

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August 25, 2021

It sounds like you had some wonderful experiences. That is a lot to be missing.  Filling your days with something in addition to your baby should help.  I spend a lot of time on Ancestry website researching family history.   Good to hear you have been exercising.  I think writing how you are feeling here in the diary will help  you get some ideas to have the quality of life you had before baby came along.  😎