Sperm Recount Their Pointless Lives.

(SPERMVILLE, HEAVEN) It wasn’t long ago that “Billy” was just being formed in his Master’s body. Billy grew up with millions of other sperm, in the crowded loins of one human named “Brian.” But now, much to his disappointment, Billy is here, in Spermville, one of the largest cities in Heaven. Billy recounts his childhood, “Growing up, I really thought I would be the one that would reach the egg first. I could outswim all my brothers and sisters. Though, I suppose we ALL thought we’d reach the egg.”

After Brian’s life came to a tragic end, he met up with his his childhood friend, “Slowpoke.” Unfortunately for Slowpoke, he was born with two tails. Billy said of his friend, “Hate it say it, but I don’t think he was ever meant to reach the egg and be born. He’s a retard, isn’t it obvious? I guess I took pity on him and took him as my friend.” Says Slowpoke himself, “It’s a system, man. The Man has us convinced we’ll reach the egg. Well, after living a life with two fucking tails, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned: Next to none of us be reachin` that damn egg! He wants us ready at a moment’s notice, even though I’ve heard of nobody from Brian’s gonads that has EVER even seen “The Tunnel”. Believe me, I’ve asked around. I’ve heard stories about other sperm that made it to The Tunnel and died a horrible death.

Overhearing our interview, some slain female sperm laughed. One, who later called herself “Cindy” had this to say, “Oh, those silly Y chromosomes. They think if they race to the egg, they’ll get born. My best friend got to be born. Know how? She let all those losers race ahead and pave the way for her. She wiggled her way past all their dead bodies and joined with the egg. I’m so proud of her.” Cindy later said that if she was born, she would have been a quiet girl who liked chocolate, panties, masturbating, and occasionally overthrowing the world.

Brian’s former sperm seemed to have nothing but despise for the man that created them. One sperm, who was dressed in old army fatigue gave us a stirring story. “Pregnanation is hell, I tell you. Brian rarely fired off a volley of us, but there was this one time… Seems Brian had a little too much to drink. We all thought he’d pass out. Then we got the call and the alarms went off. We rushed to position and were fired into The Tunnel. Oh, the horror. All my flank positions were immediately killed by this acid. What the fuck is wrong with that Brian, didn’t somebody ever tell him about foreplay? We road the semen as far as we could and held position. Then, something amazing happened. It was like an earthquake. That sunavabitch made her cum! The Gate reached down and drew a small amount of us into The Cave. We were so far from home, but there was no going back. Most of my crew had already died in the entry. There were a couple thousand of us left. We were low on supplies. I, myself, was already at the end of my lifetime. My scouts had spotted The Egg off in the distance. I gave the order for our weakest and dumbest to forge forth so the rest of us could conserve strength and follow. We went slowly, but surely. I was within half an inch of the egg when I died. I don’t know whether we ever made it. As much as I wanted to see one of my own crew survive, that boy was an idiot for getting drunk. Why couldn’t I have been born to a Timmy? He’d never do that.”

In SpermVille, Timmy’s sperm are the stuff of legends. One sperm, who didn’t want his or her name revealed had this to say, “He was very straightforward about the fact that none of might ever see The Tunnel in our lives, let alone The Egg. He told us we could be as lazy as we wanted, but to just show up for duty when he wanted to fire. Robbing the cradle, that damn compulsive masturbator.”

So, what of Billy’s last moment? “It was one of those odd nights when Brian decided to masturbate. His gun was cocked and we were loaded for a while. Then the alarm went off. I was in the first volley. I went out his gun and flew into the air. I tried to get a sense for where I was. Then WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SPLASH. That’s the last I remember. Oh man, that was the way to go. Those sperm that die in The Tunnel don’t get to feel the rush of a free fall. Sure, hitting the water is instant death, but man, what a way to go.”