Learning to live again, baby steps…

After growing up in France for the best part of my life, I decided for the second time to return to England to ” turn my life around “.

After dumping my long time poisonous and destructive relationship, I decided to make the move at the end of August 2018.

I had been addicted to benzos since 2015 and was first hooked on them at the innocent age of 12. Summer 2018, I had built up a morbid habit with the strong drug that heroin is. I had been addicted for the last 4 months. I went cold turkey upon my arrival to my native country, England. I was successful, at least for a while.  I had managed to block out any heartache caused by my past broken relationships, in particular the one with my ex-girlfriend Tiffany. We had been together since the age of 12, I am now 26. We are ending the month of April tomorrow and this Thursday it’ll be three weeks of abstinence from heroin. Yes, only three weeks… You would’ve guessed, my fresh start didn’t go to plan to say the least.

From having a stable job as a lorry driver, my own flat, a long-term relationship with my childhood sweetheart, my own car, I now have my Mum and her partner who are lovely and supportive and a friend of the family who my Mum pays constantly supervising me and analyzing every aspect of my behaviour and actions to ensure I stay clean and out of trouble.

Traumatic times … And that’s without all the horrible details usually included in a life of crime and drugs.

My ex-girlfriend has now moved on, seems happy with a new man in her life. Since quitting drugs, memories too long blocked out have come back to haunt me now that no substance is there to numb them.

I am discovering who I truly am, the mask has dropped and the person behind it is a complete joke, the opposite of what he thought he was or had made out to be.

I thought I enjoyed being alone but this is a whole different sense of loneliness.

I am taking baby steps, learning to ditch bad habits, destructive thoughts. Reconstructing day by day this weak man that drugs or medication once strengthened.

I will try to write here daily about my day rather than my past.


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April 30, 2019

I’ve been there. I hope you know that it is possible to become the person you want to be. Just don’t be so hard on yourself.

May 1, 2019

You’re not a joke and you’re not weak. Don’t be so dramatic about your circumstances. You can turn your life around so easily — just make different types of choices. Smile more. Even when you’re alone. Greet people in an uplifting and friendly way. Take notice of and interest in other people’s lives. Help someone. Take the focus off yourself for awhile. The dynamic of your life will change for the better.


May 1, 2019

@scarletibis I was reading your message on the bus earlier so I immediately put to practice the ” smile more ” in your advice. Thanks so much for your wise words, they will help me. Take care