You want me to sign what? BIG RANT

I keep trying to convince myself I’m on the upswing…

My weekend started out so innocently, Hubbin asked me to go to breakfast (he has a favorite place) I said sure and got up to look for something in my back pack (the one I take to work) and the next thing I know he’s telling me I need to go do that downstairs and blah blah blah. I’m saying"ok I just need to find something…"and he’s cutting me off talking over me asking me when are you going to move that? Why are you always? If you don’t I’ll/… I mean he’s totally off to the races and I’m still not even totally awake. I’m just trying to find something that came in the mail the day before and he’s just BLASTING ME. I can’t frigging think, I’m saying could you just give me a minute so I can figure something out and then I’ll get in the shower and….no, Its lecture time and he’s getting louder and launching into a diatribe on how I’m not setting a good example for the boys and…yes I probably said something like would you just shut the fuck up for a minute so I can think? and he’s saying, don;t put that there, you’re not leaving that there (as I’m trying to take stuff out of my bag so I can find the simple thing I was after) and this just continues and gets louder and meaner until I’m a shakin mess (after all I haven’t had breakfast yet and the whole premise was we were going to go to breakfast and he JUST WON’T stop. This is something he does that just makes no sense at all, when he is getting what he wants he’ll suddenly decide its time to correct my behavior and he just doesn’t stop. You try to tell him to back off and he goes in for the kill, you know I’m right and you don’t agree so you just don;t want to talk about it, YOUR father never stood up to your mother and I’m standing up to you and you don’t like it….and it just goes on and on and on and unless you leave the room (in which case you are irrational/emotional and WRONG) he just keeps going. You cannot even say, okay you are right because then he says "Your not agreeing with me you just don;t want to deal with the truth.: WTF!?!

This is my sin: I leave stuff on the dining room table. Other people leave stuff out, HE leaves stuff out. He piles stuff up in the washroom until you can’t even walk through it without killing yourself (and I clean that mess up nearly every week to no avail) but leaving a working pile of stuff in a little corner of the living room at the edge of the table it just too much for him to bear, Its how I remember to pay bile, and find my shoes and not lose my car keys and not drive 27 miles to work with out STUFF I NEED, stuff you get into trouble if you don;t have it when you get to work. He doesn’t get this. This is the vital stuff that keeps a roof over our heads and keeps me from having a total nervous breakdown when I’m tired as hell and trying to drag myself off to a very stressful job that frankly just sucks ass. Nope, none of that matters, go bury it somewhere out of sight, out of mind, and just be a not-be in this house.

So, finally I go back to bed because I’m just too tired and upset to deal with his crap. Did I mention I slept about 4 hours in a chair because he snores so loud I can’t be in the same room with him at night? He’s somehow made this into some commentary on his manly needs and our sex life and my affections for him. It is NOT any of that. I am TIRED! He is LOUD. What is there to understand?

Though I must say I’m not feeling very affectionate when he acts the way he’s been acting.

ROUND2: He talks me into a shower and getting dressed and we’re going for a drive. Soon as we’re on the road he’s lecturing me again about how I’m a bad influence on my children and my getting upset is upsetting them and we’re going shopping. I’ve still not eaten and I’m upset even more now and he’s just not hearing anything I’m saying. Especially the part where I DON’T want to go to the store I WANT to go home. I didn’t sign on for this and I feel lousy and want to go home. After another 20 minutes of lecturing he finally decided top take me to the casino for food at my request I’ll admit and I’m just so numb and relieved that I don’t care what it takes to get food. The casino is a dumb place but I had a voucher so I played on their dime and won $4.44. Big whoop. We shopped and I made it just far enough to pay for the groceries and wait in the car after bailing on him once halfway through the store because he started power tripping again and I thought I was going to do the waterworks in a crowd of Sunday shoppers. We got home and I spent the rest of the night numb to everything until the boys were in bed and I could do the same.

ROUND3:OH MY lord he’s following me around all day wanting to pick up where he left off. At one point the day before I asked him if he thought I was such a worthless piece of crap (now I didn’t say that – he assures me- no you just act like I’m about 5 years old and only good for $$$ when I’ve told you REPEATEDLY I want to stay home and mother my children and live a life that doesn’t involve grinding my soul into the ground until I die and I don’t see the difference) well, why don’t I just leave?…and we have to go have a school meeting first thing in the morning and he looks at me meaningfully every time behavioral stuff is mentioned in that "see its all your fault" way) and I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest because Diva the 11 year old has eyes red like he’d cry any minute because he does not understand what is going on and he is NOT happy and the teachers and staff people are doing that firing squad line-up crap I HATE and talking that retarded teacher babble that I DO understand which impresses me not because I was going to University to become a teacher once and know its absolute twaddle. Hubbin is lapping it up like its everything wonderful wonderful wonderful, and absolute proof that the reason my son’s are both damaged imperfect people(WHICH THEY ARE NOT) is not because he makes them hide like ciphers in the remote corners of the house but because I won;t just shut up and do everything he thinks is GREAT (great for me but not for him) and not be upset because it makes me miserable.

I see my life and all my chances to be a woman, a mother, and writer, adventurer, passing me by in a stone bunker full of people who just won’t give a shit when I’m gone, won’t think another thought about the concessions I’ve made, and I tell him this and all he cares about is money money money.

Not long ago he decided I have trust issues. He says its all because of my mother. My mother may be the source of some of my issues but the Trust issues are his. He comes to me in the afternoon and tells me, oh by the way, since you mentioned leaving I pulled $5000 out of the bank to be sure MY boys were taken care of AND in the next breath, you need to go see a lawyer and sing a paper saying you won’t touch any of my inheritance and you’ll give up your rights to MY interest in INVESTMENT X…. YOU MISERABLE ASS GO EFF Yerself, I ain’t signing a damn thing. You say that you don;t care about the money now, he says, but women always change their minds.

NOTE: I signed for all the equal liability in INVESTMENT X never actually expecting to see anything come of it when the money could have paid off the house and I could have quit working 2 years ago. Why did I do this? Because he wanted to be a big damn deal and it was money we never had to start with, blood money actually as far as I’m concerned.

NOTE:I HATE people who greedily sit with their fisties out waiting for someone to die and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT about it for years destroying everything that a family should be brother against sister, mother against son, and it has gone on for generations in HIS family and MINE and I wanted it to stop with ME. I thought he understood this. Everything we have we worked for together and then one day his mother drops dead and I’m nothing because he has this piddly little bit of cash and wants to be in control of every last cent. He insults me so completely and understands nothing. I am his WIFE, mother to his sons, and I work damn hard for everything I have (and I really don’t need much) and if I could give it all back and get his parents for him there would be no hesitation. He desecrates his parents memory. I have been offended from the very first day I realized his family acted this way and if I had known he was this person I would NOT have married him. I tell him who I am and what I believe in and he ignores it. MY values mean nothing. While I would not touch one cent of that money not even for the benefit of my children (it think it would harm them to do so) I sure as hell won’t sign any insulting bullshit agreement to anything after 23 years of doing whatever it took to give him the life HE wanted.

And what part of honesty here is supposed to fix my trust issues. I am a fool. A trapped fool. I would never leave my children to him alone. I feel the austere life he gives them has been socially damaging. He is not outright abusive but very stern and mostly clueless about the facts that people need other people. He has no social life. He does not play or create or listen or sing or dance or do anything that makes him part of something else. His only desire is to run off to secondary family in a place 1500 miles away, ignoring the needs and desires of the family he has. A car trip is to be trapped while he tells you what’s wrong with you. It is excruciating. He does it to me. He does it to them. A vacation is a forced march through so-called family activities where wife and kids get snubbed and 2nd classed until he leaves. I’ve paid out of pocket for everything I needed during the last 3-4 trips we’ve made and only been chastised for running up a credit card bill when I had to pay for things. His family are not the villains here, I blame them not, but he ignores the simple needs of his wife and children (a bed for example, simple comfort) because he MUST do things a certain way for his "family" meaning not us. I’m miserable, the boys are miserable and he just presses on with the charade.

And it goes on and on

I called in sick by Tuesday, I was so wiped out from his constant "lets talk" command performances I just took a flexoril and slept all day. It was a good choice. Mind was no better but body recovered somewhat.

I made it through 2 days of work and here I am at 1am trying to figure out something to do besides just sleep. A boundary by the way he doesn’t respect because he’ll wake me up about 5 times each morning just to see how I am. Is this concern? Concern for what? Concern that I’ll empty the bank account and head for the hills? (stupid butt for brains!) Concern that I’ll have a break down at work and quit on the spot? (lovely as that sounds) And yes he’s told me several times that he thinks I need a head doctor – oh yeah that was what the marriage counselor was for 2 years ago and HE WALKED OUT when I had the nerve to say that I was getting tired of listening to him talk about what was wrong with me because it was always the same " I WON’T CHANGE and my mother is crazy so I must be too." We never talked about him. He’d waste time asking how much the therapists deck cost to build or how much he knew about pouring concrete (or some other distraction) and then we’d launch into why SHE must change and its all MY problem because I am the one who is upset. At least I wasn’t the one who walked out, at least I was willing to try but not 4 weeks of she hangs up her uniform in the bathroom, she has too much stuff, she won’t load the dishwasher….(TRUE,TRUE, FALSE btw) but I dared to say I wanted to get to something that actually involved what I was feeling and he just walked out.

I know its sounds terrible that I didn’t go rent an apartment right then. I just don;t know what to do about my boys. One is almost 18 and I think he’d be fine but I think Hubbin would work Diva over a thousand times just to "WIN" and what I really don;t understand is why Hubbin won’t hear me. I tell him all the time what I want and he just keeps telling me "oh you’re never happy with anything this is the best choice for you" but its not. Its stressing me out, wrecking my health and depriving me of love and companionship. I don;t need another man or anything so dumb as that I just feel the need to live my life while I have it to live. Its hard to be happy when the first thing you hear in the morning is a laundry list of things you got wrong, or might get wrong, and can’t bring people to the house because its not perfect, or he doesn’t want me to get a couch so someone could actually sit down and visit?until it is perfect, or everyone I know has some fatal flaw or defect that I have to hear about.(racist sexist bs ick) He’s driven off every set of friends "we" ever had being boring opinionated oaf. I actually feel sorry for him because of this, but when you go to a 4th of July party and do nothing but sleep on the couch in the basement of someone else’s house, and never friggin leave for like 12 hours what can you expect. When you don;t believe in phoning ahead first. When your ass crack hangs out. When you go to a party and sit in the corner sleeping or leave early without even telling your wife you are going (just get up and walk out) who has the problem?

And I tell him all my feelings and he makes it into something else. So I keep the j-o-b I hate because I might want to make a decision that requires I sacrifice what I really want 9hey haven’t I already done so) and his only answer is that we can move back to the old house in the old neighborhood (I will never live there again stupid man, I mean what I say, we moved where we did to better things and he’s the one who benefits so who is foolin whom) and now I fear getting into a car with him because I can’t take any more "talks".

I am not mad. The passion is all ground out of me. I just don;t know how to go forward without every day being exactly the same BS.

My first thought is find away to dump as much stuff as I can. He would be thrilled. It takes a lot of time to get rid of things. Its discouraging. The only selling point of something so complete is each day I’m going forward and I’m with my boys when they are available to me.

My 2nd thought was maybe I could just get and "office" somewhere so I could work on MY ambitions with some sense of routine. The cost and time involved not such a big thing but I haven’t much energy. Would I just snooze at my desk on some other location and accomplish nothing?

3rd Idea just get up and leave when the kids leave and go out to the woods and walk. I know I’d be accomplishing nothing and probably be on my lips by the time I get home from workbut I wouldn’t be wasting my life trying to avoid car rides and "talks" maybe not telling him where I’m going would get his attention in a different way. I don;t think telling him how I "feel" has much effect.

Oh that Lola were here, I would feel so much safer with her along – except you can’t stash a Lola for 10 hours while you work. I still look at the yard and its so just nothing to be here.

Alas 2 hours typing and I just can’;t do a limit – I must go sleep on all this. $75/hour to go see the shaman, she was great but the scheduling messed with me. I’ll spend it in Seattle on something stupid. OD is good, its all just getting it out so you don;t implode sometime inappropriate and embarrassing. Where the f is spell check?