The Minor Fall the Major Lift

This last week sucked so hard.  So many emotions that I had regarding my Uncle’s death from a year ago, to processing the upcoming move.  It was almost too much.  There was a lot of Ativan in my week, which was helpful.  I needed the Ativan to help keep me calm and focused on the days when all I did was cry at my desk.

I am glad this week is over.  I am glad that it has run its course and that the coming week will bring something else to the table.  The coming week, I get to start seriously packing up my stuff and get ready for the move in a month.  I processed the feelings about the move weeks ago.  Because the move is something that I have to do.

Speaking of the move, one of the things that happened this week was I got a tow hitch installed on my car because I was going to rent a trailer from U-Haul (because their website said my car could do it).  Almost $400 later and a couple of days pass and I start really thinking about the tow hitch.  So I go out and measure it – it is the wrong size.  By a half an inch.  Insert panic mode.  The plan was so that I could save money in the long run because I didn’t want to have to get a U-Haul and a tow dolly to tow my car behind the U-Haul.  So I grab my owner’s manual for my car.  I look up the tow capacity that it can handle:  “This car is not designed to tow trailers.”  What.  The.  Shit.  Insert more panic.  Talk with a coworker and she is tells me that the car dealership where I got the tow hitch from should have talked me out of it.  So I decide I am going to email them.  I am not expecting a damn thing to come from this because why would it?  My week has been crappy.  But I just want an answer as to why, indeed, did they let me do this to my car.  Because I am clearly not the expert.  They are.  The dealership calls me back and says that I am right, they should have talked me out of it.  :O  I’m sorry, what?  They are giving me my money back.  So that is a good thing that happened this week.

Another good thing, I discovered something about myself that I never expected to discover.  I want to be married.  I want to find someone and fall and have another chance at a marriage.  I know that marriages are hard and I don’t want a wedding.  No, I want a marriage.  But I want it to be to the right person.  I don’t want a convenience marriage.  I don’t want to be like my mother who had three failed marriages.  I just want to find someone and have the good times and the hard times.  Why this is significant is that I am the ney-sayer in all things related to marriage with all of my friends.  They know that I am the one who will tell them “Don’t do that” when it comes to marriage.  But deep down, I have always been, “Take that leap.”  I just couldn’t say it out loud because why would I?  I got tired a long time ago of being repeatedly called “the hopeless romantic” so I changed it on the outside.  It was easier to become that cynic than to be considered hopeless.

Another thing about this week, I started a year and a day class to help me be a better student of my spiritual life.  Everything in me is telling me that it would be okay to skip just one class (we have the option of missing three classes), but I don’t want to.  I want to complete this having gone to every class.

I want this new-ish version of myself to keep finding things and exploring them and trying them.  I don’t want to just hide in a corner in my room and be left to my own thoughts and devices.  My brain isn’t always a safe space to be in and I need to be able to get out.  Even if I say I am not a people person, I need to be around people.  My best friend told me that once.  That even going out and being around people helps to change your brain chemistry so that you are a little happier.  I want to keep getting happier.  It is what this journey to Texas means.  It is one more step toward my happy.