I’m not sure how this works…

Here is something that I have had on my mind for over 20 years: A way to save and put away money properly. But I never do it. All the times I have worked hard in the end I have little to show for it. I have little to call me own. Strange events come up; people trick me or fail me; or my own body will attack me.

For some reason I have always thought that a certain type of woman in my life would be the keystone to keeping things happening in my life in the right way. Now I have thought that a great sex life would be part of that process. But I have gotten myself into a relationship that does not have that. And I am not the kind of person that can cheat. I think about it, but I can’t. Now, I think about doing certain things with my life, but I tell myself that I can’t or won’t. I don’t regret being in this relationship. I believe that there will be something wonderful that happens that will be worth waiting for.

In the meantime I need to find my purpose. My fucking purpose! Maybe it’s a bunch of fucking things. Maybe it’s a few. But here’s the thing: I have to show it and share it with the world. I have to be willing to sell something and get people to support me. And that’s where I fail.

At a certain time in my life my parents sent me off to see a psychoanalysis. At a certain point the Doctor really thought I was improving. But just then my parents said they couldn’t afford it and took me out. I am convinced that they didn’t want to find out that they might have been to blame for the way that I think about myself and others. And this does prove it. So I guess the question is what did and do they think about me? If I really knew that then I would have a better understanding of what and where my thoughts come from. My brother has always been a strange part of my life. I have always thought that he enjoys believing that he is above me in general. This is something that has always been my problem. I have always been trying to get a certain feeling of winning or strength of my choices and then how people then treat me and are effected by them.

That’s my mistake!!

With both my parents, my brother and all the other people who I place in their category: I have made it my sole purpose in my life to get them to believe in me in my way. But they will always be unable. And deep down I know that. So I must find a new muse to look at for inspiration.

In less than a year I’ll be 50. I’m so afraid that this feeling of stagnant failure will still be rising like a trapped fart in my heart. I have always had a list of things that I could do. That I could accomplish, but I sit and do nothing. I have always had the time to do everything and anything. But here’s the strange thing, once, and few when I do have a brief ability to work on a personal task something always comes up and interrupts me. How do I beat this? Something has to start making me feel that a force is there to help me do these things that have always been in the back of my mind. Instead of this constant feeling that something, and at times someone is trying and succeeding in keeping me from doing anything.  Is it really all me? At times I can see hear and feel the people and the events that occure which have always been so quick to jump on my back and stop my progress.

According to the Law of Attraction it has always been me, all me, that has been in control of these road blocks. I guess here is what I’ve been saying; “These people and events have been consciously wanting me to never succeed.” Part of me believes that is truth. There is a stick in my brain that has to be removed. I can feel it right now trying to stop me from truly feeing and understanding this problem that I have. I almost have to be in a trance to write it down truthfully. Even now it keeps fighting my thoughts and won’t let me continue figuring out the answer. So, it’s all about getting my thoughts in the right tone. Getting that stick out of my head. I’m remembering back in Seattle when I lived in my first apartment I got a strange constant pain on the ball of my right foot after I stubbed it on a crappy futon I built out of palate boards. It kept hurting for over 3 months. Finally I went a little insane, got some acid wort remover and fried a huge chunk of the skin where the pain was coming from. Like a cork, a large chunk of skin came out of my foot. Without pausing to think if I was doing the wrong thing I shoved a pair of tweezers into the hole, pinched once and pulled… out came a one inch and a half long toothpick size shitty futon wood.  That is what I have to do with my psyche. Something has to come out first and then I’ll be able to think and feel and then act as I’m supposed to and want to.

What have been my realities? I can feel certain paths that my life has took and is trying to move through. In this one I am supposed to always fail. In the one right next to it I have succeeded and I can feel it in this reality. In the one on the other side I can feel using selfishness and apathy to get what I want. And then the side opposite I am completely in the control of those who will never let me be me. They have taught me that I can’t be me. And now that I am alone I keep telling myself that I can’t be me.

What sensation of satisfaction am I looking for? I’ve had people tell me I’m great. I’ve had people praise me for things I’ve done. But it all just leaks out of my heart. Instead every insult and unfair statement said about me and to me sticks to me and never wears off. I will think about those people who brag about everything that that have done or said that people say about them. And I hate them!  But at the same time I envy them. I must find a way to comfortably believe and enjoy the good things that people tell me that I do. I am more likely to only think about what the bad things and complaints people say about me are.