Vomitoria Wrangle

I went to an oracle reading, (is Oracle capitalized?) anyway she said I have a lot of stuff that I have written down… right on that part.  and that I should start putting it out there.  No one else has seen this.  I’m just gonna copy and paste paragraphs here and there.  Let’s see what happens?

Here is something that I have had on my mind for over 20 years: A way to save and put away money properly. But I never do it. All the times I have worked hard in the end I have little to show for it. I have little to call me own. Strange events come up; people trick me or fail me; or my own body will attack me.

For some reason I have always thought that a certain type of woman in my life would be the keystone to keeping things happening in my life in the right way. Now I have thought that a great sex life would be part of that process. But I have gotten myself into a relationship that does not have that. And I am not the kind of person that can cheat. I think about it, but I can’t. Now, I think about doing certain things with my life, but I tell myself that I can’t or won’t. I don’t regret being in this relationship. I believe that there will be something wonderful that happens that will be worth waiting for.

In the meantime I need to find my purpose. My fucking purpose! Maybe it’s a bunch of fucking things. Maybe it’s a few. But here’s the thing: I have to show it and share it with the world. I have to be willing to sell something and get people to support me. And that’s where I fail.

At a certain time in my life my parents sent me off to see a psychoanalysis. At a certain point the Doctor really thought I was improving. But just then my parents said they couldn’t afford it and took me out. I am convinced that they didn’t want to find out that they might have been to blame for the way that I think about myself and others. And this does prove it. So I guess the question is what did and do they think about me? If I really knew that then I would have a better understanding of what and where my thoughts come from. My brother has always been a strange part of my life. I have always thought that he enjoys believing that he is above me in general. This is something that has always been my problem. I have always been trying to get a certain feeling of winning or strength of my choices and then how people then treat me and are effected by them.

That’s my mistake!!

With both my parents, my brother and all the other people who I place in their category: I have made it my sole purpose in my life to get them to believe in me in my way. But they will always be unable. And deep down I know that. So I must find a new muse to look at for inspiration.