ramblings in my mind tonight

Well. where do I start?  Should I start by saying that I need to write or I will explode?  I finally made an appointmenr ro see a psychaitrist.  I need to talk to someone, I need to figure what the fuck I am doing, what I am thinking, get my emotions under control.  Sometimes its too much, but sometimes its just right.  Like right now, my husband who at the mere mention of him makes a feeling of anxiety run up my back, is passed out in a weed induced coma.   My son, wild and crazy, loving and gentle a Gemini child to the T, lays sleeping; diagnolly ofcourse, breathing sweet and steady, looking so angelic withs his arms over his head and the blankets kicked off. I finally snuck into the bathroom and lit the bong I had no intention of smoking any weed tonight, I was hoping to stay off it for a few days, try to see if unmedicated the problems were the same or if I was over analyzing.  So, I an sitting here in a quiet thoughtful mood and for the first time since my husband came home I am at peace, in a good mood.  I was starting to feel like I would never be able to relax, I mean from the moment the man walks into this house I want to scream. 

I was baking when he came in, it seemed all was well, we have had a few rough days and I have been feeling this way for awhile.  I decided it was pms and I needed to chill out so I was not going to say anything.  When he walked in he was cordial, I was cordial I offered a lemon bar and he declined.  The baby was happy to see his Daddy, he came in and I showed him a video  and he made a half ass comment and I got mad.  Bla. All down hill from there.

Oh well right?  I mean shit I get so tired of being mad at him, he blames me for everything, I dislike him because I can’t believe how self centered he is.’

Will we make it I wonder, I dont want to fail, but I dont want to suffer like now I am cool, cuz he is asleep, but whe wakes up…… ugh.  I just can’t believe some of the shit that comes out of his mouth, or the way he says stuff or does stuff.  I think he is cheating, or looking to cheat.  I think he doesnt love me, because of the way he acts.  So hurt now I act like a bitch.  I am having a hard time forgiving him. 


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April 17, 2010

why stay and be miserable.