Loss and Gain

I’m writing again after a year and 7 months. Where does the time go? I’ve been through a lot, some very extreme situations, but I believe I’ve been on the mend since August, at least physically. My emotional healing is a different story. but I’m working on that too.

 

My mentality has suffered nearly all my life, but majorly again over the last 7 years. I’m tired. A lot of my suffering has been due to a relationship I’ve had. It has been such a difficult part of my life. I want to recover, be strong again, and I’m working on that now. I’m really putting effort into it.

 

Things I’ve lost in the last 7 years: (nearly everything)

*My physical health (I’ve had so many ailments, surgeries, some issues continuing and I developed a new one)

*My emotional stability (I’ve been emotionally abused and physically abused in a relationship)

*My mind (I am Bipolar/have PTSD-have taken meds that made me worse)

*A good paying job due to a diabetic issue/frozen shoulder

*A photo job I wanted to take (I’m a photographer)

*A design job I started (I’m a designer)

*My car/I had a wreck that totaled my car and was never able to replace it)

*My eyesight(I’m not blind just had retinopathy but my vision has been diminished)

*Many items/belongings when my house flooded last Spring

*Was told to move by my landlord so I lost my house

*Therapists (my decision though because the therapy wasn’t working)

*Motivation to do what I enjoy

*My positive attitude

*Hope

*Just went through another break up from my boyfriend/this is pending now but will probably not work out

*Lost money by having to pay higher rent

 

Things I didn’t lose: (this is life-saving)

*The ability to heal

*My family

*My dogs and cats

*My determination to do better

*My eyesight (is better now)

*My ability to drive

*A roof over my head and food to eat

*Financial support from my daughter’s father

 

I decided that since I had to move, I’d make a total transition, that I’d see it like this and nothing more, and a good one at that. So, I was able to move into a brand new apartment with enough space and that accepted my pets. This has been major. I made half my bedroom into a home office. I became more of a minimalist and got rid of items holding me back, taking up space. I was relentless. I kept only what meant the most to me. I kept the support of my family, especially the daughter who lives with me. I gained visits from family because I’m closer to them in proximity. I was able to narrow down how many times I see a doctor since I have healed in a lot of ways. I was able to wean myself off a medication I’d been taking three years that exacerbated my mental issues. I’ve found a new therapist and the treatment seems promising (EMDR therapy for PTSD). And I’ve applied for a job. I ended my emotionally abusive relationship. We are still talking now. He has promised to get therapy and a lot of things. I’m trying to feel hope for him and us. I’m also aware this may not work since it hasn’t yet. I’ve gained awareness, though, and I think this is major too. Regardless, I am working on healing emotionally. I’m looking into working for myself again too. For now, I’m just exploring what is possible.

I would like to be motivated to do what I used to enjoy. I had hope for my future. I want to feel hope and focus on my present though. I’m taking one day at a time.