So, today I am going to try and focus on getting my shit done and being mindful of all of the things I have to be grateful for.
First, let’s address my feelings on him. So i don’t have to dwell. I have not seen or heard from him. I thought i might see him on the school run this morning. He either passed me by without me knowing; his daughter is off; or she was with her Mum and she’s the one taking the little lady to school. Her Mum drives, so we wouldn’t have crossed paths.
I am still feeling very confused about everything. Although there are echos of the past…external stressors in his life, low self-esteem, was off his meds, etc, this time feels different. I know I was the one to call it off, but normally we can’t help but contact each other. It’s not a good idea to be in regular contact…but i feel that i am owed some sort of explanation and apology…this time his actions have felt cruel. However, i have to consider the fact that even though i want and need that, he may not be in the right place to give it to me. I need it for closure and then to be able to move on. At present i feel like i’m living in some sort of purgatory.
Anyway. On to more positive things.
Today I have therapy. I think this is session 4 or 5 out of 6. My therapist is great and has given me some good insight into the dynamics between me and my mother. I understand myself and my responses a lot more and am able to act with this in mind. Today, we will discuss the break up. I had planned to talk about the thing that happened to my son, and how i was triggered the other week…but he is off from high school today (awaiting track and trace info, to see if he has to isolate for the 10 days), so privacy is limited.
Aside from therapy i have a fair bit to do before i go and pick my little lady up. I need to pay my rent, council tax, cancel shutterstock, get a better deal on my broadband and tidy the house. I could also do with going to the supermarket, but honestly, it’ so cold, i don’t feel too well and i can’t really think about what we need/what the kids will eat.
I want to be more present and positive, so i am going to focus on the things that make me happy and i am appreciative of. The biggest thing this weekend has been my daughter…let’s call her Ted. Ted is 6, almost 7 years old. She’s smart, funny, pretty and so so kind. I couldn’t be prouder of her. She is soooo nice to me. Sometimes i feel like i don’t deserve it, because i’m not operating at my best, but that’s my impression, not hers. She cups my face in her hands and tells me i’m the most beautiful and ‘bestest’ person ever. She is my biggest fan. My daughter, my best buddy!