A dark place

Lately I have been in a very bad depression. Today I had a sort of breakdown. I just wanted to die. I told Stephen that I was done with life and just wanted it to end. Im just so tired of being me. I hate me. Im enormous. I don’t have a job. Im socially awkward. Ill never be even slightly normal. There are days when I look for places high enough that I’d die if I jumped. Or think about dropping my son off with my mom and getting on the highway and driving full speed into a rock wall. I think about downing all my pills at once. You name it, I’ve thought about it. You know what stops me? The thought of people struggling to move my fat body. Right when I was thinking about jumping off a cliff my father video called me. He gas no idea what he prevented today. My dad hardly ever calls me. He just happened to call me when I needed someone the most. I didn’t tell him any of this. No one knows except stephen but he doesnt believe me. If I owned a gun I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now. Im really trying to get passed this but its so hard! I feel so alone. I am alone. Stephen only cares about shit that directly affects him and my vest friend lives an hour away. My sister moved to Ohio and my mom is preoccupied with my other sister who is a struggling alcoholic. I’m going to try to find a place that will help me.