Should I or Shouldn’t I?

Should I or shouldn’t I, that is the question? The reason I am asking this question is because I have a dilema, a sexual dilema. There is this guy that I know named “Dot”. I met him through my friend Stephanie. He plays the drums for this girl who is a local singer out here. Probably the 3rd time I had met him at the club he was playing at, we started talkin and really hit it off. Then I later saw on his FB page that his birthday was the same as mine! That was crazy. I was wondering why we kinda had this connection, because we are both aquarians. But anyways. So that same night, he was walking us out to my car and I gave him my number. He haven’t really talked on the phone, just text. He is younger than me by the way. He’s 25 so the whole “talking to a girl on the phone” thing probably doesn’t cross his mine lol.

The big issue is, I later found out that he has a damn FIANCE and BABY on the way. I found this out right before our birthday, which we celebrated it together at a club. So yeah that really sucks because he is a good guy. He’s talented, considerate, sweet, and we just connect. For the last few months, he has let it be known to me that he wants to have sex with me. We’ve been flirting heavy too when we see each other. And I think other people that we hang around have seen it. Anbody can definitely see the sexual chemistry between us, but I just can’t go there with him. I’ve been cheated on and the girl KNEW about me and I never want to be that selfish, inconsiderate, trifling female that fucks another woman’s man because she was worrying about HERSELF and HER wants. And I’ve told him this. But everytime we see each other, he damn near persuades me to do it. He has a good game. He could be a car sales man how he be selling himself to me and all the things he wants to do to me lol.

I saw him again on Saturday and everytime I see him its like I want to be all over him in the club. I even caught myself staring at him when he was talking to another girl. What the hell is wrong with me? And doesn’t help that I’m horny for a man b/c I haven’t been with one in almost 16 months!

But I then came back to my senses and know that I can’t do it, no matter how much my pussy is trying to tell me to lol. Today I was asking myself, “what will I be getting out of it”? Besides an orgasm, that I can give to myself, I won’t be getting anything out of it. At the end of the day, if I did do it, while he is going home to his fiance (who just moved in with him) and baby (who was just born on Easter), my ass will be going home to NO ONE! So the only one winning would be him. And like I said in my last entry, I’m tired of giving my pussy away for free.

When I think about it, it sometimes pisses me off. I upsets me, b/c here is this guy who seems to be good (he’s not all the way good b/c he is trying to cheat on his fiance) and all he wants from me is SEX. Like, is that all dudes want from me. He once said to me that he we would have met like a year ago or so, before they got together, he would tried to get with me. Well it really doesn’t matter doesn’t it b/c thats not gonna happen. I’ve had a couple of guys ask for my number, but in the back of my mind, all I’m thinking is “they just probably want to get to know me so they can fuck me” and thats it.

But earlier I was thinking, “I should do something bad. I’m always doing the right thing and end up getting screwed or something bad happening to me, so I’m gonna do something bad for a change”. But then I come back to my senses and tell myself “Brandis, you are not like that. You’re a good girl”. But I’m scared that if I do the bad thing, I will end up hurting myself in the end b/c I don’t think I will be able to take out the feelings and emotions if I fuck him b/c I do like him. I’m not 21-22 years old anymore. I just can’t be going around fucking guys just because without any emotions like I use to. I want sex to mean something. And when you fuck random people you don’t care about or in a relationship with, it doesn’t mean shit. I am really becoming an adult after me saying that lol. This practicing sexual abstinence is really testing my strength and will power.

So back to the question: Should I or shouldn’t I? Answer: I really don’t know.