Explanation

My heart has never been so filled with love and pure joy until the day my boyfriend.. as a regular person listened to me. I was just talking and he… looked at me. He saw me. He had my heart. Plain and simple. Everyone around me is always concerned with my happiness. “Is he treating you right?” “Are you happy?” “Is he a good guy? Would I like him?” Shit like that. Don’t get me wrong, the people asking these questions have one or more of these three intentions. 1. They genuinely care. 2. They’re looking for dirt/gossip/info. they wanna be in the know. 3. They aren’t concerned with my relationship/happiness at all because they are interested in taking up my precious time. Usually, it’s #2 or #3. 

My man. My man has always been all about me. When I’m sick, he’s there. Sad? There. Irritated, agitated, aggravated, instigated, whatever. That man was there. I fucking glowed. My family loves him. He came around during a tough time and came to the rescue for everyone. not just me.

At one point, he was really caught up in struggles that I was unaware of. He didn’t talk to me about any of it. He was my rock and the one I confided in. He didn’t want to talk about his problems because he didn’t want to seem like he was trying to one up me on how hard life is. Honestly, I wouldn’t have felt that way. My bullshit was over simple work based frustrations. But, in that lack of communication… I felt alone. This one guy came into my work. at first, he was a random customer like anyone else. No personal connection. Then, he was asking others about me. “She has a boyfriend”  Throughout weeks, he became my friend. Let’s call him Boston. Boston is the one guy that I was then comfortable talking to at work. My boyfriend won’t talk to me. I need someone to talk to. A friend. Not to confide in. Just to socialize with. Well, bf asks about Boston. I had obviously mentioned him before and told him that we talked but, nothing like that. I don’t have anything to hide. Bf doesn’t trust me, goes on a crazy investigation, tracks down Boston. It gets stupid.

Boston talks to my bf about everything we’ve talked about. SERIOUSLY JUST CONVERSATION. If you weren’t us, I’d understand that it could be taken out of context. If you are set in your mind and looking for something, you’ll find something. I explain myself, it doesn’t matter. ‘I CHEATED’. I wasn’t aware that a simple conversation could be considered cheating. I had no kind of intentions towards this guy other than being friends.

FAST FORWARD. Here we are months later. I avoid Boston like that plague adapted and came back. It’s just best if I have no interaction with him what so ever. Bf is seriously having some issues. I don’t grasp the concept. But, I am also not one to be upset about things long unless someone seriously fucked up. I have tried and tried to prove my love, my loyalty, my devotion, and my sincere remorse. I’ve done everything over this time to repair things. I may feel like I didn’t cheat but, that isn’t how he feels. Which is what matters.

Bf vented to me for hours about absolutely every little thing I have ever done that seemed wrong to him. I apparently did him so wrong and treated him like absolute shit. I am the worst girlfriend that ever slithered the earth. I sit quietly and endure the verbal beating because, I feel that I at least owe him the right to vent. I take it. I don’t move other than to use the restroom. This is by far the most hateful speech I have ever been given. He’s angry. I get it. But, I would never speak to someone I love like that. 

I don’t expect it to go back to the way it was. But, I do expect him to treat me with love and respect. and he doesn’t. If he does, it’s brief. He tries sometimes. But, I feel like he tries to do the opposite just to see if I’ll stay. It’s fucked up.My heart is being worn to the core and it’s becoming apparent. My outlook and attitude on things have changed. I’m lost. It’s like… Ii don’t know who I am anymore. I’m just trying to better myself based on the what’s failing in my life and I feel like… if I stepped out of my body and looked at my life.. I’d be disappointed. So, why am I continuing this? Because, in my heart, the man  I knew.. that is the man I want to live the rest of my life with. But, does he even exist anymore?

After typing this, it has become a real situation. Putting it down really puts things into perspective. Fuck.