Fucking Jerks

Ugh so yesterday I posted kind of a thing about gender and sexuality and transness and how women who date transmen but still ID as Lesbians are invalidating their partner’s gender. And it kind of set off a shit storm, I was actually reposting a transguy’s post, because it’s true to a large extent. I don’t see what is so wrong with identifying as bisexual, and I know it hurts a lot of transmen to be seen as women still. I dunno it is complicated, anyway, some people argued, I tried to back up my points as not only a lesbian but also a non-binary transperson who prefers to date bisexual women for my own gender reasons. But after a while I realized even tho I assumed most people knew I identify as non-binary trans, a lot of NEW people who I had friended from my trip DIDN’T know this crucial information to having some context for this post. So I ended up getting kind of a call out private message from this cis woman who was saying my thread was all like, gold star cis. And of course the funny this is not only am I fucking trans-identified, but everyone on that thread was non-binary trans too. So I was pretty hurt and the whole thread made me feel fucked up and I just left an ending comment that it was a shitstorm thread and that I was a non-binary lez who dates bisexual and homoflexible women. And yeah I still feel kind of fucked up about it.

The thing was one of my friends WAS being totally inappropriate, and has said some shit on her own wall that was transmisogynist. So it’s like, ugh. She’s kind of turned into a lesbian separatist and like I can’t jive with that. She made a long post about how bisexual women can’t call themselves butch or femme because those are lesbian words. And even tho the Jessie thing and I are falling apart right now, Jessie does id as a bisexual femme, and I don’t see our dynamic as being anything other than butch and femme and the bisexual thing doesn’t invalidate her femmeness. So I got irked about that.

I mean it’s true that there are specific reasons I date bisexual women, and my straight friends and family are super fucking judgemental about it and I hate it. They need to shut the fuck up. They always think I should date only lesbians but like the sexual dynamic with me works better with bi women, it just does. Lesbians seem more reluctant to do some of the gender stuff I like doing, like my first girlfriend was a lesbian (she wasn’t aware at the time tho) and she really didn’t want to explore me as a more male lover, which I don’t do all the time because I’m very fluid, but like I wanted to try. It’s all very psychological and complicated, but trust me when I say it’s better between me and bisexual women. Like if I elaborated I’d have to start talking about my cock and that’s just like none of your business.

Anyway, so yeah that shit storm of a thread was going on, and I was super frustrated, especially when the cis new “friend” private messaged me to invalidate my gender. And this morning my friend who had originally reposted the post that I also reposted, checked in through text to see if it had harmed my mental health. AND IT DID! But fuck I hate admitting facebook is bad for my mental health. AND IT IS! But shit….. also I hate new friends and how they don’t have history with me and don’t really know me but assume they do for what ever reason. Anyway yeah….

The other thing was last night I was laying in bed sort of crying because Jessie never got back to me in texts, and still hasn’t, and I was like fuck this fucking sucks. I need to delete her phone number. Like I’m always the one messaging, I’m always the one doing the first contact, and sometimes she responds and sometimes she just does not give a fuck about me. And it hurts and I hate it. And it’s bad for me, why do I do this to myself? It’s like harming me. And I was crying and laying in bed composing an email in my head about how she never texts first and she never wants to see me anymore and how I can’t pretend we are really friends.

I don’t know. Do you ever get the feeling someone knows you’re about to walk away, like psychically, and does things to pull you back in?

In the morning I slept in, until 1:30pm, and I DID feel better about the Jessie situation, not enough to never delete her number, but it didn’t feel that urgent. And then when I went to have a pee, I was trying to check my facebook and feeling shitty like I’d find a whole slew of new comments telling me how problematic I am or something. But I didn’t, no one commented after my last comment on that weird thread. Instead Jessie had peppered my fb with comments on other things, like cute comments, nothing confrontational or anything. And she doesn’t do that. She generally isn’t on facebook. And even when she is, if she DOES comment on something of mine it’s like, one comment and that’s it. But this was like so many comments. It was nice, I won’t lie. But I felt confused, like why does she do this hot and cold thing? Why has she still not answered my texts? It felt like she wanted to just keep me primed or something, but for what? She’s not gonna see me or anything.

So I like responded to some of them. But I’m still so suspicious. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life chasing someone who will never love me. Maybe if we had been able to be alone and do things like friends I would be in a better state. I HAVE turned unrequited crushes into good friends before, like it’s not unheard of. But she doesn’t give me that chance either. It’s very frustrating.

She and Facebook are bad for my mental health. Ugh. I’m so fucking tired of crying over her. And I’m fucking tired of people not recognizing that I’m trans. Like in many ways I feel like it is so obvious, and in other ways I guess it isn’t because I still go by she/her pronouns.