One Cutie Above All Others

I think what really sucks about the CURRENT Jessie situation is that her communication styles remind me a hell of a lot of my Mom’s when I was a kid. Mom sort of did that pouty shitty silent treatment to me A LOT when she was trying to punish me. And Jessie did get back to me those few days ago saying she needed to sit with this, which is cool yeah I can deal now. But before that were those awful two weeks when she didn’t say anything or like anything or acknowledge me really at all, except for a couple of work things. And it reminds me SO MUCH of my Mom’s emotional abuse towards me, and how I wasn’t gonna carry that on or do that to people I wanted ongoing healthy friendships/relationships with.

I don’t know. I still feel like I am being punished by her while she “sits with this” and doesn’t like or acknowledge anything of mine online. It’s fucking awful and awkward. And it’s too damn cold and mean. Especially when all I wanted was for her to let me know if I was crossing her boundaries.

Anyway, there are some good things about this I guess. We haven’t texted in almost three weeks, and I’m finally letting that go. I really LIKE not texting her, because so often she would leave me hanging feeling stupid. Which feels awful. In fact, so much of our friendship felt awful. There were these good parts, but some things she would do or not do, how she would ignore me, ugh. Awful. I deserve better than the way she treated me. So often she made me feel so small or uninteresting or annoying. Which is WHY I asked her what her boundaries are, because I was sick of that feeling.

I have a new friend, I mean I have known her for a while, but she’s like, asking to hang out with me more often. She asked me twice to do things with her since we got back from Regina, because we were both doing things there. She’s super fucking cute. A major queerdo but she has a faraway boyfriend which is like, meeeehhhh no I am not doing that again. BUT she’s sweet and friendly and I sometimes think maybe there is some interest there. At least on a friend level she seems to want someone to hang out with. We spent time together with her other friend having lunch then going to a presentation on placentas. It was a long presentation, and sometimes she’d bump into me and I’d be thinking “Wow her skin is really soft!” but then oh shit no not going for this emotionally unavailable person again! I’m trying to think of a good OpenDiary name for her. Hmm. Maybe Zoe, which is not anywhere close to her name. ANYWAY yeah, I asked her today though if she ever thought of having babies (since we were at a birth centre with all these babies everywhere) and she was like “NOOOOO definitely do not want babies.” Damn. BUT OKAY she was emotionally unavailable anyway. And I am like “Can I have this friend with soft skin whose partially shaved head I really want to rub and not get into the same situation as Jessie?” I hope I can. I don’t know. I’m so awful at seeing all the red flags and heading for that situation anyway. And Zoe is adorable and smart and we have written about each other’s art and it’s honestly hard to look at her and be like “No the friends thing is fine!” when part of me is going “Oh but she checks off these things I’ve been looking for.”

BUT yeah the no baby thing is a dealbreaker, as is having a partner somewhere even if he is really far.

I dunno, I have a date on Tuesday with this girl who answered a classified ad I put out. I am not sure we will have chemistry, we’ve been chit chatting through email for over a week. She seems nice. She’s cute, according to her picture. I was supposed to have a “hang out” with the Buddhist this next week, but I finally texted her a few hours ago and she never got back to me. I’m hoping I didn’t fuck it up by mentioning this other date with the classifieds lady on my fb.

I’m SO BAD AT THIS! This dating multiple women with the goal of choosing ONE to be my partner for a while or forever. I feel like I’ll insult one by mentioning the others or something. And it’s not like I have said no to any of them, including Jessie even tho she’s obviously on the outs and Red Flagging like hell. But I feel like if I mention one cutie all the other cuties will scatter and it’s like noooo please stick around I haven’t decided yet! I mean honestly I just shouldn’t mention any of them or any dates or anything until I have The One. IF there is such a thing.

A while back my cousin read my tarot cards and said when it came to getting into a relationship, like THE relationship, I would be faced with a choice and I would need to decide FAST! And I thought that was interesting but didn’t know what it was about. Then I read my cards today about what was going on and came up with a card in the future position that means an opportunity will present itself and I have to make important decisions and communicate what I want and don’t want. And I KNOW what I want, honestly, I want to be with someone I can live with and have a family. And at the same time I know there’s this part of me that feels like the super cuties don’t want that or will run away and I’ll need to tamp it down and play it cool. BUT I KNOW I can’t play it cool like that because I need to be honest that I am looking for a lifelong partnership and someone to have a family with. And I know also that what I don’t want is someone with another partner. I don’t want to ever feel like a secondary partner again, because I’ve been there before and it fucking sucks ass.