Missed Connections

A long time ago, I met this really cute young femme queer who was a priest, and she was adorable and musical and part of me was like aww yeah I want to go on a date with her! And she and I became facebook friends, and then I was out with my friends one night and this sister of my other friend’s partner was like “I met someone! She’s a priest!” and yeah anyway she had met this cute femme and they got together and eventually got married and adopted a baby. And I was always like “Wow she just slipped through my fingers before I even had a chance!” I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Which is fine. She and I have seen each other around a number of times, since she was in the same friend circle.

Anyway, tonight I went out to dinner with a bunch of these friends, and she was there. And cute as ever. And still happily married. And we talked over dinner, and she kind of did that social hopping around to different people at the table to talk to them. And then we went out to this bar together, like all of us. And she and I talked again. And I dunno, I got this weird sense…

Like she is a bit flirty. But maybe she is just friendly? We talked about all kinds of things I don’t even remember it all, I know I brought up my gender stuff at some point and she was mortified because she had been talking about not liking men and I’m like no no no I’m not a man I feel genderfluid and then later I was kind of talking about how I liked dating bisexuals because of my gender stuff. And she had this funny look on her face and was like “I don’t like bisexuals” and then I was like “why?” and she himmed and hawwed and kind of came out as thinking she could be bisexual even though she has id’d as gay for years and years and was honest and said maybe it was a self-loathing thing for her. And then this is why it felt flirty, later she suddenly said she was a top and then I confessed I was feeling like a switch these days and she suddenly said “I could never bottom.” And it’s like okay that’s cool bottoming is fun but no one has to do it if they don’t want to. But then I kind of wondered if she was letting me know her limits and it’s all like WOAH you have a kindergarten aged kid and a wife, miss cute femme priest!

I needed a ride home because I was really crashing. And she offered to take me. And I got a bit nervous waiting for her near her car because she left her wife back in the bar, and oh man I don’t know what to do if this very very attractive smart sweet femme top hit on me while she has a SERIOUS partner, and I already went through that shit with Jessie and she hadn’t even been living with her partner most of the time and this was an advanced marriage with a child and fuck I am not that homewrecker. Anyway, some of our other friends ended up coming with us, not her wife, but these two other people. And so my personal crisis was averted because no way would she hit on me with these friends there.

I don’t know about it. Like why I am having these weird interactions with people I once really liked. And the thing is I still like her, if her wife wasn’t in the picture of course I would ask to kiss her. But her wife is very much there and anyway they all live in Hometown and I don’t even live here anymore.

It’s not just her though. Today I got the nerve to ask my two exes here if they wanted to see me. Carrie hasn’t gotten back to me, and I don’t know if she will, she has a sketchball flaky relationship to her facebook. I guess I could email her, I know she checks that. But Rayanne was the other one, and she got back to me almost immediately that she came down with the plague and couldn’t see me right now but she did want to get together for coffee and catch up. So I told her to let me know when she was up for it.

It was really weird messaging her. We haven’t spent time together alone since we dated, for one thing. For another thing I was deeply in love with her for years and a fucking pest about it if I do say so myself. AND honestly I DO still love her, but like I know my limits and I know we aren’t meant to be together and I have accepted that. And so I really wanted her to know I wasn’t asking to see her to get back together with her. ESPECIALLY since she is also married.

What is with these married ladies in my life? Like it’s fine, I’m glad these women are happy. It does kind of bum me out though, like Cute Femme Priest has been with her partner for eight years, since she was 28, and I have no one and I am 40. Like OKAY I know there’s some good reasons I was single at least until I was 34, because I was a fucking drug addicted mess and living with my Mom for a few years and really not doing well for myself here. And that really does make for a lot of self destructive years when no one wanted to partner up with me. Like I was a blackout drunk lazy pothead. No question. And no fun really. And on disability (no judgement it’s just a lot of people judge receiving social assistance and don’t think much of us as potential partners). Anyway things have changed.

But I’ve been clean and sober for six years, and still having horrible luck with women and it bums me out. And then this totally unavailable cutie I totally missed out on tells me she might be the kind of person I am looking for and this like hangs in the air and I just know it’s not going anywhere. And it’s like whyyyyyyyyy?

She asked me to come to her church not this Sunday but next Sunday. She told me she went to my reserve to do a service. She’s adorable and spiritual and totally unavailable. And I dunno what to do with this information besides wonder if there is an alternate timeline where I got to ask her on a date and get together with her. From what I know her and her partner met in an NA meeting, but now they have changed that story to an AA meeting. Kind of funny since they were both clearly drinking tonight. It’s fine, I was in NA too but not their meetings and I know people can say whatever or nothing about this stuff but usually if you are also a sober person they will be more forthcoming about that stuff.

Maybe this is just the kind of shit that happens when you go back to Hometown. The old stuff comes around to taunt you. Remember that cute girl you DIDN’T ask out on a date? Well here she is again telling you she’s a top when you’ve been a bottom for almost your whole life and yes she’s still happily married. Ugh what a drag. It’s more funny than anything though. And at least it’s getting my mind off of Jessie.

Fuckin’ Jessie.