Day 17 – Homeless and Hopeful
It’s been 17 days since we left and it’s been quite a ride.
We’re together and so far we have legal assistance, have food and a place to sleep. Shelter life has been different. I don’t want to complain and sound ungrateful but it’s rough sometimes.
I get called out for not socializing, but everything in the shelter is locked down. Including child care, playgrounds and rec areas.
The woman frequently talk about their abusive relationships, drugs, drinking or subjects that’s aren’t really appropriate. Most of the time they are loud, sometimes fighting with each other. We tend to stay in our room a lot – then I was accused of leaving the shelter (where would we even go?). I check in with the ladies up front but they don’t ever pass the info to my advocate. Trust me, I don’t want to be here – I have to.
I know it’s a shelter but some days it feels like a nice women’s prison. We can leave when we want and there are not a lot of rules, I guess maybe it is the mentality of the other women and the many unspoken rules. Being stuck in a single room with two kids is tough.
My advocate and I butt heads a lot. She is a real Karen and she’s basically the manager. I really cannot comprehend why someone would be so hateful and disrespectful when they just left an abusive relationship. It makes no sense.
The food here gets us bathroom sick majority of the time. It’s difficult when you’re hungry but you know you’re going to pay for it later. I can’t wait until I can cook my own food again. Sometimes there is no milk. The fridges are filled with disgusting old food ( literally pouring out) when we do get milk cartons, the milk fridge smells like cat piss.
The place looks nice though. It’s just a community of women and children.
Icing on the cake – today was my child’s birthday. We snuck in cake and made the best of it. We’re all pretty frustrated at this point.
We do have some programs that are willing to help (if they start returning calls, working from home apparently has caused a lot of disconnect)
And honestly we have had some wonderful hearts help us along the way.
Some days it’s just hard to see the light at the end of a tunnel. Some days are good, some days are seriously depressing.
I do get to meet with my therapist online, once a week (an absolute angel) and I am working remotely from the shelter.
I am just ready to move on with life. The court date is coming the same day we want to move. I am fearful of going to court, telling our story and afraid of not being believed by the judge. But she did issue the protective order so at least we’ve had that.
Well, I’m about to get some more work done. Trying to stay hopeful for the future. Tomorrow we meet with Karen and hopefully can start making more progress.
Good night
Sounds just too familiar and I wouldn’t even be surprised if it’s the same exact DV shelter my kids and I stayed at. It was very rough and difficult. It was no less than going from one proverbial frying pan to another. We were there for 2 and a half months until I found an alternative (I worked at a motel approximately 55 hours per week to pay for a room for me and my kids). It’s all so real hard, real difficult stuff.
If the judge issued a protective order then you know she believes something wasn’t alright. Maybe you don’t have to tell any more of your past story (she issued a protective order and so she’s already aware) but instead talk about your future goals.
The women and the workers at the DV shelter we stayed at didn’t like me too much. They weren’t playing with their own children and so I played with them. I organized cookouts on Sundays in order to encourage people to come outside. One woman had a baby who was a screamer. I also had a screamer and so I knew how very difficult it could be. One day, mom left her screaming naked baby in a plastic swing, on a hot summer day, and walked out of the room, completely unable to deal with it. I went over and picked her up and within moments had her calmed and she fell asleep. I brought the sleeping baby upstairs to her mother, who was hanging out and socializing with the staff in their office, and every one of them had the twisted, bizarre look of horror on their faces. You’d think they would be inspired but they weren’t. It was as if hatred was called for somehow. Mom told me I could keep her baby.
No, thank you.
I took her to her crib and laid her down but she woke up and began crying again. I stayed for a while to help her get back to sleep.
The director of the shelter absolutely blew my mind shortly after my arrival to, well, her house. We met for an hour in which she told me her life story. I knew my place then. All the mothers were essentially fully responsible for cleaning the whole house (it was a big house). I wasn’t there for me, really. I was a piggy bank for her since the price to stay at that particular shelter would be over 80% of my income. When they wanted to hijack my vehicle is when I knew it was time to go.
The other women had a philosophy: keep. your. mouth. shut. Grin and bear it, get your housing assistance and be on your merry way. I was the sort of person who would speak up and advocate for whatever needed to be advocated for. The director hated me with a fierce passion and once practically lunged at me. She called me up at late hours of the night, drunk, no less, attempting to scold me for something. I told her to get laid and hung up on her.
I guess I ruffled her feathers.
So, yeah, I think there’s a light for you. I think you’ll have a good summer because I’m quite determined to see this world have a good summer this year. By sheer will alone, I declare a good summer for the whole world!
Just know, that judge has seen and heard all sorts of stuff. Be forward-looking and have some clear goals and I think you’ll be alright.
@elcreature thank you thank you for your comment. I am too shocked by the behavior of some of the mothers, it is just down right trashy. They dont clean up after themselves and the can’t seem to sensor their mouths. I’ll keep my mouth shut most of the time (and play the obedience game) but I will have to speak up when I am being accused – I feel like this advocate is trying to get me in trouble. It does feel like moving from one frying pan to another.
Also, thanks for that comment about the judge. I didn’t even tell her everything he did, but I’m grateful that his suicide threats and destructive behavior were enough to warrant a protection order. I will keep that in mind and for sure my eyes are focused on the future, I’m just really dreading the court date and possibly seeing him again.
@lemmylotus I don’t blame you for dreading all of that. It’s plainly unpleasant. Just is. Got a pair of sunglasses? They’re an excellent barrier and shield for the eyes. They can lessen the intensity of it all.
Did you tell your therapist about your concerns with the advocate?
@elcreature yes, she said I can fill out a release to communicate with them (she used to work there) but if everything goes well, I should be out next week 🤞
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Oh god, this breaks my heart. I hope things get better. 🤗
@littleavocado thank you for understanding, it means an awful lot right now.
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💕
Praying it all goes well for you. I’ve experienced shelter life myself. I know how uncomfortable it can be.
I also pray peace and joy for you and your littles. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but more importantly, there is a light with you IN the tunnel. Let it shine brightly for it will dispel the darkness. Let it shine brightly so your children can see what it looks like to walk in truth and faith.
🕯🕯🕯🕯 🕯🕯 🕯🕯🕯🕯 🕯🕯🕯
@ethel thank you!! This was very thoughtful and much appreciated! The light is the only thing keeping me going right now!
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Re: your advocate and how someone fresh out of an abusive relationship can be so Karen, it’s logical – they don’t want to be abused again, so they act aggressively or similarly. It’s a wall they put up not to be hurt again.
Have you thought of starting one of those GoFundMe petitions? You can share it here and in other social media accounts you migth have. I suppose if it goes well enough it could get you out of the shelter. I’ve been in one, and I know how nerve-wrecking it can be.
Chin up, nerves away – this will turn out in your favor.
@thenerve I guess that makes sense, I guess everyone responds differently.
Luckily I’ve been in reach with some programs who are supposed to help with deposits, furniture/decor, beds, household and personal items.
Having our needs met with out getting into my paycheck will really be all the boost we need. I considered GoFundMe but honestly, I am in hiding and you’d be surprised how many people don’t believe the abuse was happening – a lot of “church family” have just down right turned their backs. I am also hiding from my abusive parents/brother.
Thanks for the comment, and I agree things are already turning up now.
@lemmylotus – Aye – the situation is indeed hard. Maybe you can call the GoFundMe offices and ask if you can use a pseudonym for raising the funds, due to your circumstances? I don’t know what their rules are but it’s worth a try, if you think you’d want to.
I’d like to say it shocks me that the church family turned their backs, but it doesn’t, sadly. I don’t want to put out a blanket statement, but I have seen my major share of hypocrisy on that front.
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