How did I get like this and why can’t I move on?

Jonathan is home for the next couple of days. I picked him up on Friday and had my 2 days. I dropped him home to Patty’s house, hugged and kissed him and his brothers.

Now, like the last 3+ years I’m sad, but this time I’m sitting in the Tim Hortons parking lot inconsolable and crying like a mad man and I can’t stop.

I don’t want to go home. It’s not a go somewhere type of feeling, it’s a I just want to drive off the edge of the world because I don’t have it in me to go on, type of feeling.

It’s not helping seeing the couples or the families pull into here. I’m not a monster, but I’ve been made to fill like one from everyone.  No, I don’t wear my pain and depression on my sleeve. It doesn’t hang on me like a bad smell, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it between you here and me out of public. At any time I want to snap. Just lose it on people PDA or rudeness.

I’m not made for this. I never was. I know several people who want nothing more then to be alone and away from humanity, I am not one, but I am being forced to be no matter what I have tried to do to be social and part of something.

Honestly, it’s getting hard to even still write here. Yes, most of you understand me and make attempts to keep my head above water. Thank you all, but, I need something more. It sound horrible, but I just need someone there. Someone actually there. All the virtual therapy and text based “coaching” doesn’t fill the hole that a hug or seeing someone across from you would.

I don’t want to go home…