Why didn’t I?

Nights like these cause me to think about why I didn’t do it. I had the knife to my wrist. The spot at the lake where the sunset gleamed so peacefully above the water, calling me to enter it and let the water fill my lungs.

I think things would’ve been fine. Yes, there would be some sadness. I’m not totally alone in life. But the world continues on. People always adjust.

Obviously, I’m still here. There are still days though when I feel like I’m done. That I feel like I could go. Living is so hard sometimes. Death is letting go.

I watched my dad take his last breath. I saw the heart monitor go flat. What happened shortly after can never leave my mind.

His face almost immediately relaxed. This man’s face was always hard as stone. Years of hard work and always fighting for his kids to have a better life than he. When his face shown anger, it only meant that he cared. His stern words were words of love though many times it didn’t feel that way. This man saw the pain and the sacrifices that had to be made to survive. So when his face relaxed, he almost didn’t look like my dad anymore. He finally let go of all of it and what was left was peace. Authentic and undeniable peace.

I want that peace. Now I know the only way I will have it, is by death.

* The featured photo is the actual place where I thought about taking my life. I took it as a reminder. Crazy, huh?*