Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I think my inability to sleep will literally be the death of me.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve never been a good sleeper…. As a baby I never slept. Everyone told me that I was pushing them towards a nervous breakdown as a baby because I never slept. I am not talking about “my sleep schedule was messed up”- I’m talking about I didn’t sleep. Night OR day. As a child, I never wanted to sleep. Being told I needed to go to sleep would have me throwing tantrums left and right.
As an adult… all I want to do is sleep. It’s my favorite thing to do. BUT I CANT SLEEP.

This last week has been particularly awful. I’ve been up having anxiety attacks for *literally* no known or suspected reason. My heart palpitations related to a condition I’ve been seeing a cardiologist about for months have been off the charts. My heart rate will also randomly spike out of nowhere. For this reason, I cannot sleep. I have a weird sleep anxiety in the last week or so, almost like I’m afraid to miss something, like SO MUCH IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD I DONT HAVE TIME TO SLEEP.

I’ve been relying on medications of various sorts in the last 10 years to sleep. Benedryl, melatonin, weed… I used to have a problem with Xanax that i had to seek treatment for, (actually was forced into treatment at the time but whatevs) so I’ve been afraid of taking sleeping pills since then. Over the years I’ve relied on heavy doses of benedryl, melatonin, weed, or a combination of those. I’ve tried herbal teas and vitamins, exercise, eating right… I *NEVER* consume caffeine- no coffee, sodas, caffeinated tea, energy shots…. *nothing*. If it has caffeine, I’m not drinking it. Like, at all. In fact, NO stimulants at all! Of ANY kind. I have tried meditation, tiring activities- reading, writing. I’ve tried lights off early, I’ve tried white noise- rain, ocean, static, etc.

It comes down to I can only sleep with some kind of chemical help. The OTC stuff, or weed….

About a year ago I was up to 8 benedryl tablets (200mg), 4x 10mg Melatonins, and 2 weed edibles, in order to get about 5 hours of sleep- enough to feel refreshed. While this worked VERY well for me, I know it was unsafe, and I felt my cognitive abilities to function were decreasing. Like I was forgetting things I shouldn’t have forgotten. The most intense brain fogs you could imagine. I started weening myself off of them until I’m down to just 2 edibles right now. But I get the worst sleep. Most days I feel like I’ve never even BEEN asleep. Like I just closed my eyes, opened them and it’s a day later and I’m exhausted like I haven’t slept in a week.

This past week has been so rough. I got SO much sleep on Tuesday. Like I slept all night AND all day. Slept through several alarms, etc. woke up at 11am, had therapy at 1, then slept from 3-7. Went to bed at 11 Then slept until 4am. Thats like 21 hours in a 30 hour span. Ever since, it doesn’t matter what I take, I sleep 0-3 hours a night. And not at all during the day. I’ve made gotten 8 hours of sleep total since Weds at 4am. It’s now Sunday at 11:30.

2 nights ago I fell asleep sobbing for no reason. I really don’t know why. And now all I think about is dying. How peaceful it would be. How quiet and calm it would be. I really think it’s because I’m exhausted and I see death as guaranteed rest. A part of me worries I’m going down a very wrong path.

Which brings me here. I bought 2 Xanax from someone. Yes, 2. Don’t judge. I haven’t taken them since 2011 when I got out of treatment. And here I am with of them, just so that I can fucking sleep. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m strong enough to not take them, but not enough to dispose of them. But I fucking went out of my way to buy them. I LOOKED for this person so I could buy them. It wasn’t like someone said “hey punk, wanna buy some shit?” NOPE! I actively sought out this person. So how strong am I really? Do I think 1 or 2 will kick up a habit? Nope. But that’s what everyone thinks, so who knows. Do I want to chance it? I should probably say no I shouldn’t, but damn I want to.

I just want to sleep. At this point I don’t care if it’s forever. I am so tired.

I know I can’t do anything dumb, but I literally feel like I’m behind the wheel of a car whose steering and brakes don’t work. It’s rough.