From Situationships to Unicorns

It’s been awhile. It feels like forever. Yet, in the same breath it feels like I just blinked. Time passes fast. Too fast. My grandma used to tell me that when I was a kid. Quit wishing away time, it’ll just pass faster and faster as you get older, too fast. She was right.

A lot has happened since my last entry. I was going to say changed. Yet,  nothing’s truly changed. It’s just been… a lot.  Mainly relationship shit. Situationship shit. Highs. Lows. Fears. So much.

Currently, today, I’m just trying to work on me. Improving me. One day at a time. Making better choices. Evaluating my life. Questioning myself. But ultimately… trying to heal the years of trauma & pain so I can actually have healthy relationships and a healthy life.

I let myself grow feelings for Joe. We started seeing each other 2/18. It was fabulous. Then about 4/18 he said he wasn’t ready for anything serious and needed to stop back. Yet, nothing changed. 5/18 – he told me this wasn’t fair to me. I told him I get to pick what I tolerate. Nothing has changed. It’s like we’re in a relationship we’re not really in. We fill the roles, yet we are open & can keep looking for whatever the fuck he’s looking for. Sometimes, I think he’s scared. Sometimes, I just think he wants to be able to do whatever. I haven’t saw him much since the summer started as he’s got the kids and is now not cool with me meeting them a ton. So, I’ve had a lot of time to think. A lot. I do deserve better. More. Someone that makes me a priority and not just an option. Thus, I’ve started pulling back – in late May or early June. Yet, the more I pull back the more he steps up. More texts. More interaction. More caring words. Then I begin to doubt – Maybe we could be exclusive & official someday if I’m just patient enough.

My friend T is not Team Joe. Quite the opposite. She was Team Joe to begin. However, not after he pulled the “not ready for serious card” & then just continued on like he didn’t break my heart. She says Joe is texting more because I’m texting less. Says he knows he’s losing me and wants to keep me around as an option. Reminds me, he doesn’t want serious or exclusive with me. Tells me I deserve better, I’m not an option, I’m not a choice to make amidst a sea of girls. Either he wants me completely or he doesn’t deserve me at all. She thinks I need to let him go. To tell him I want a serious relationship with someone exclusively and he can’t give me that right now. She says he won’t argue and will agree, probably planning I’ll just go back to him when that doesn’t happen right away. She says he’ll say okay. Maybe that… that’s exactly what I’m scared of? I’m scared he will just say okay. I’m scared I’ll realize how unimportant I really am to him. I’m scared it’ll just be over and I’ll never get to have that small dream that maybe, just maybe, he’d fall in love with me and want me exclusively.

I’m scared she’ll be right. So, instead I say nothing to Joe. Pulling away a little more each day. Praying he might change his mind or suddenly confess his need to only be mine & his love. Yeah. Right. My therapist says I need to explore this. Why does Joe have this hold on me? Why can’t I just walk away? Why do I always circle back to him? Why do I settle? Really, I’ve been thinking. A lot. Maybe it’s not Joe I love but the idea I created surrounding him. The idea of country living, chickens, goats. A farm and ranching life with a man I thought was gorgeous and who made me feel more respected & valued than I’d ever felt in my life. The dream of a man who treated me great & always shown affection when we were together. It’s not the loss of him. It’s the loss of the dream I created that included him. A dream I held onto while my Grandma died and during some of the darkest days of my life. Giving up that dream is like giving up the life raft I see in the distance while I’m drowning. That if I just keep trying to swim and don’t give up I’ll reach the life raft. When in reality, that life raft is just a mirage I created to save myself from my thoughts while I was drowning. It wasn’t real. My brain just played tricks to keep me going. To get me through. Yet, my brains still scared to let go and face reality.

I need to give up. I need to walk away. It’s just hard. Because that little voice – But what if he changes & can love just me?

sigh

Why exactly do I really need to give up? Well, because I did keep dating after Joe said he didn’t want to be serious. A month ago I met someone. Someone my friend calls a Unicorn. Someone that is secure. Someone that is healthy. Someone that I’d normally self sabotage a relationship with. That I nearly did sabotage the relationship with… with Joe. Of course.

We never said we were exclusive. So I kept talking to Joe. Kept dating. Kept doing whatever. But specifically – kept Joe close. Well, the unicorn sees me texting Joe the other day and isn’t happy. To say the least. He goes on to tell me he doesn’t really like it with how much I text ex’s or random guys. He is dating with the intention to find a long term partner but I just talk to anyone and seem to be dating to become friends with a bunch of guys. Valid. Very valid.

I tell my friend all this and more. She tells me Unicorn is trying to tell me he wants to be exclusive without it looking like he’s trying to be controlling or telling me what to do. She feels Unicorn is the real catch here & Joe is a waste of my time. She says that I need to tell Joe I want to pursue something with someone else and if it doesn’t work I’ll be in touch. Because he’ll just say okay.

I argue with her. You really think he’s hinting and wanting exclusive? Yeah, obviously. Well then why the hell didn’t he just come out and say that? Like I need blunt. Or I just assume and believe in my head you’re seeing other people. So I keep seeing other people because I don’t want to look like a fool being faithful to a man that’s dating everyone else too. So yeah, I need like a point blank conversation. Which I am going to try and be vulnerable and have that discussion face to face Sunday or Monday. Because I need to know if that’s really what he’s saying. And if it is… well then I have to decide if I can say good bye to Joe and agree. Or if I am giving up my Unicorn.

Ugh. Hard convos. I’ll share more about this one later. I don’t feel like it now. But he’s truly a unicorn in the dating world.