Day who knows at this point

I think I need to change the titles to each day. My memory is shocking that apparently I can’t even remember single digits now.

This last week and weekend have been like a nail in my head. I feel like a awful mother. My temper is at the edge all the time and I’m snapping at my child for things they can’t help.

I feel totally alone at the moment. I can’t even cry. I’m on the edge of crying all the fucking time but it just won’t come. Even when I was telling my best friend how much I’m struggling. And they would never judge me for crying ever. The tears were there but they refused to come. Just let me cry, just let me cry please.

Cosmic soul told me about a fantasy. How it was waking up next to me and kissing. It was a conversation that was sexual and this was their fantasy. To have this normal life with me. Fuck this hurts so fucking much. They’re not as talkative the last twenty four hours. And I won’t push them to be, I promised myself not to harass or chase them. For my own good and not just theirs.

I feel like they’re behind a sheet of glass, I can see them but I can’t touch them. I want to scream, I want to break the glass down. This hurts so fucking much.

My partner isn’t a bad person, they’re sometimes selfish, sometimes cold but they’re not a bad person. I can’t do it to them again but I also can’t put myself through this pain much longer.

I feel I’m on the edge of breaking down. This low is going on for weeks, maybe a few months now. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m turning cold hearted I swear.

Why can’t I catch a fucking break? Bullied, miscarriage, child with a life changing diagnoses, heart ripped in two. I feel burnt. I feel done. What have I done to deserve this shit? Am I such an awful being that I have to be punished.

I often say my child’s diagnoses isn’t a sentence but I think I’m lying. I love who they are, I love they’re safe and loved. But I don’t know if they’re happy, scared, in pain, I don’t know if they love me like other children love their parents. I’m so greatful for my child. I thank the Gods so much but I need more strength at the moment. I need to pull myself out of this pit of misery and the dirt. I need strength, I need a sign. I’m literally screaming out for help.

These things are our of my control. Please fucking HELP ME!