Settling.

I moved two weeks ago. I left my husband and moved in with my sister. She completely rearranged her living situation for me. She emptied out her 14 year old daughter’s bedroom to make space for my stuff and she and her daughter are sharing her bedroom, even the bed. That is how much my sister wants me to stay away from this man. We will be moving into a bigger place in May, so this is not a permanent situation. I may even be able to get my own place by then, but if I can’t, I can be comforted by the fact that I will still have somewhere to live.

The move itself went pretty well. We did have a few casualties; the ex’s big tool box that was in storage fell apart and almost landed on me and my niece. And we lost a plastic bin of Christmas decorations on the freeway. I sliced my leg open on the foot of my desk and it will scar. But that’s nothing compared to the emotional scars I need to heal now.

I am getting settled at my sister’s place pretty well. My room/office is finally set up the way I want. I have a lot more space in this bedroom. (The ex and I were living with my friend for the past almost two years, with a very small bedroom that barely fit our king size bed, and my desk was set up in her guest bedroom. I work from home, so I  need an office space.) I’ve already developed a daily routine. Having two dogs to take care of helps. The dogs have acclimated pretty well, aside from not getting along with my sister’s dogs, but we have a routine for that, too. I pay my sister a flat amount for rent, which includes utilities, internet, and even food. I just pay for whatever extras I want, like special beverages and snacks, etc. We cook dinner every night and eat at the dining table. We have a daily chore chart. (The kids insisted I be included in the chore chart, haha.) It feels so good knowing I’m in a safe space where I don’t have to worry about what kind of mood someone is going to be when they come home. I don’t have to worry about getting yelled at over the simplest things or being completely ignored or being emotionally bullied.

During my unpacking, I’ve found a lot of birthday and anniversary cards the ex has given to me over the years. Those are difficult and I learned quickly to just throw them in the trash, no pausing to read them. It’s not worth the tears. Today, while I was reorganizing all of my books, I found a journal I had written a few passages in. The last entry was an unfinished (obviously) suicide note from last December. That alarmed me, if I’m being honest. My state of mind the past two years, I’d say, has scared me. That played a big part in my decision to leave my husband. He was making me feel so useless, so fucking small, that it felt like I didn’t need to be alive anymore. Why would anyone stay married to someone who made them feel like that?

As predicted by nearly everyone I know, the husband started blowing up my phone within a few days of me leaving. He sent me incredibly long texts messages, apologizing for ruining my life and essentially destroying me. Do I think he meant it? I’m not sure. I don’t think he ever meant to turn into what he is now, but he certainly did everything he could to avoid getting help. I was talking to a friend about that the other day; how he always had an excuse to not get professional help. One of the most ridiculous excuses was that he was afraid they would take his guns away if he went to a therapist. Maybe he shouldn’t own guns, then? Anyways, along with his apologies, he also mentioned how he would do anything to hug me or kiss me one last time and how he would do anything to have me walk through the front door to stay. But then it turned into a conversation about how this is best for both of us, and he agreed.

We have texted back and forth a few times since then, and it’s been pretty friendly. He’s hinted a few times at getting me to come over for a booty call, and even though I miss sex, I’ll never do it with him again. He had his chances, but he preferred porn. He will never touch me that way again.

He also went off on a tirade about my TikTok account and accused me of having subscriber only live sessions and making sub only content for people, like sending them photos/videos of me naked. I have a lot of followers on TikTok, but I do not have any subscribers, and even if I did, I would not sending anyone naked photos/videos. TikTok doesn’t allow that kind of content, anyhow. He also accused me of making money on TikTok and hiding it from him. In my five years on TikTok, I’ve made $32, and he can see every video I’ve ever posted. In fact, he encouraged me to post scandalous stuff because it was a way for him to get off vs actually doing anything with him. Anyhow, I sent him screenshots to prove he was wrong about all of that, but he’s not convinced, and I honestly don’t care. I spent almost 20 years not trusting him and doubting him and dealing with that emotional turmoil. He can deal with it now. I don’t need to prove anything to him and I don’t have to deal with him projecting his guilt onto me anymore, either.

I joined a couple of dating sites. That’s a bit overwhelming. So many notifications all throughout the day. I guess it’s nice to know there are still men interested in me, but I’m going to be quite picky from here on out. If they can’t carry a conversation, no thanks. If they start the conversation with something sexual, next. If they ask for my phone number right away, no. If they don’t have a job, bye. If they have keywords in their bio, like “feeder, bbw, poly, ENM”, HELL NO. I want to build a friendship with someone and see where it leads. I don’t want to just hook up with a bunch of random men. I want a substantial, meaningful relationship and I’m not in a hurry to find it, either. I’m on the lookout for red flags and I am not going to put myself in a position to fall for someone who’s not as emotionally invested as I am.

The ex divulged some information about his new “girlfriend” and the prospect of moving to Missouri. Apparently, she’s not even single. Her “abusive ex” is still living with her, so she rarely has the chance to talk to him. She won’t give him a straight answer about him moving there or when she’s going to kick her “ex” out. To me, it sounds like she’s just stringing him along, like using him as a safety net. She’s not ready to call it quits with her current guy, so she’s using my ex as a backup plan. Also, my ex and her never really hung out a lot when she lived here in Arizona. He told me they’ve only really met 4-5 times and it was very briefly at the bar for football games. She always sat with another group.  But according to him, she was always nice to him. He is the kind of guy who thinks that because a woman is nice, she wants him. I mean, she obviously wants something to do with him, but it doesn’t sound very sincere. I don’t know. He latches on to people so quickly, so maybe this will be a learning experience to him. I simply wish him the best.

I am really looking forward to Fall, cooler weather, Halloween…all the cozy vibes.