#marriage

Each night, we return to this spot. My bed. California king. No headboard. No decor. Just white. Cream. Soft and cool. Me and my boys. No Daddy. He works 7 days straight and then he’s off for 7 days. Second shift. Us eating dinner alone. Bath time. Teeth brushing. Story time. Me and my two…

please tell me that wasnt it. I mean , it was great. he is always delicious. And there is something about raw unprotected bare back sex or whatever you call unprotected sex  when its with someone you are crazy about. I loved taking every bit of it in but I didnt get it like i…

I’ve told myself a hundred times that I would never write these things down. The ugly things I feel when disappointment settles upon me in waves. A dismissive grunt here, a passing comment on the greater importance of your existence in comparison to mine. That your income is more important to our...

Yesterday, while we were putting Bear to sleep, Lev and I realized that today is our anniversary. Well, one of them. This anniversary is the one of that big party we threw with the wedding dress and all that vodka... yeah... that one. Lev realized first: "Hey, Nina, do you know what tomorrow is?"...

Been very busy the last few weeks. My wife has been…..something has changed. But I don’t want to talk about that. Let’s talk about my issues. It’s not that I don’t like her, I don’t think. It’s that she’s so heavy. A few weeks ago I was feeling fully myself, which has been rare the…

Let me preface this by saying I don’t like when people are all the time sad, all the time angry, all the time complaining. Yet I am all of those things in this diary. I like to curate my emotions, for myself and for others, with an appetizer, the main entree and a subtle dessert.…

Such melodramatic titles. I’m still hiding myself, sorry to repeat. My dark side just came out hard core 3 years ago and nearly fully blotted out everything good in me. And I’ve regained a lot of the good that was lost, but only by — muting parts of myself. It was the self hatred. It…

I don’t know how to speak beauty anymore. I don’t know how to feel my soul anymore, how to express...anything. I feel like a creaky machine, rusty and noisy and broken. I do not know where to start. How to get my words back, my voice back. I have random words. Pain. Ouch. Ah. I…

I haven't written in a while, I always think about it and then get busy with something else and never end up doing it... We went to Greece in June and it was AH-MAZING!!! I got to meet my family that we still have over there and they were so wonderful, so amazing, so sweet!!!…

I've been mostly up since 4:30 this morning, on my day off. Bella kept trying to wake up, so I tried my hardest to stay in bed, despite needing to get up to use the restroom. Darryl moving around to get ready for work probably didn't help. Eventually I couldn't wait anymore and quietly got…