It’s been a while

Hey. I’m still here, still miserable and ugly.

I haven’t felt like writing for a while, stuff is just so heavy. I feel like it’s crushing my ribcage.

My child is self harming. I’m not sure if that’s the right words for it but suppose it is? They stims when he’s happy or anxious and hey just hits himself repeatedly in the face and bites their fingers. My poor baby, I’ve tried giving them a sensory chew toys but they’re eating them like their going out of fashion. It’s kinda scary and kinda impressive I’m not going to lie. Just another reminder that one day they might maul a dentist.

Found out while on a nice relaxing holiday my mother might have cancer. I just have this feeling it’s going to be, and she doesn’t even seem to care and just said she’s had a good life. She’s not even old and hasn’t even thought about about anyone else. Maybe in the selfish one, maybe I’m just trying to cling onto the only constant in my life. I have dad and he’s amazing but your mum is your mum. I know if she has it she won’t have treatment and that makes me angry, to not even try and save your life. I don’t want to be angry at her though because it she does have it I need to soak up every good memory encase it’s the end. I don’t want it to be her end.

On the same holiday I found out my dad was angry with my husband because he’s a lazy sod at times. Didn’t make anyone a tea or help around while everyone else did stuff. I don’t know if he just didn’t want to stand on toes or just doesn’t think to do it. But fuck me it’s embarrassing. Least my parents got a good look at what life’s like at home for me.

I’m so resentful at the moment. I can feel I’m on the edge of crying again. I’m sick of having to fight for an education for my poor child, sick of everyone knowing what they have and being disgustingly sympathetic. They’re not fucking dying they just thinks different and that’s cool! I love that about them Yes it’s hard, but it’s our life and I love our life together. They’re my whole world.

I’m so scared I’ll loose them. Once you loose one baby the fear is always there. I can’t even chuck away drawings they’re done. And it’s just squiggles of paint. I can’t throw it away because of they die I won’t have anything they made. Am I crazy, I can’t fully enjoy motherhood while I worry they’re fading away from me.

Why can’t I just have some luck, why can’t I just have a normal brain