To C. (One last time)

To The Man That Got Away,

This is my last entry in this diary. Open Diary will shut all their servers starting the beginning of next year. You convinced me in 2004 to create this Diary so we can continue to keep in touch. We were together, in a relationship, a total of 3 times.

We’ve grown apart now… you have a family now…and so do I. You are everything I knew you would be and that makes me so happy. Here—in this diary—I want to confess my absolute truth before it fades into oblivion.

I’ve been in love with you since middle school. I don’t understand why…but looking over your direction in language arts class—my heart began to flutter so much that I thought I would suffocated. It was strange because I thought differently about right before then (way different). Those feels never went away. In fact, the older we get, the more intense those feelings become. I try to bury them, but I can’t. It’s impossible for me.

A while back, you mentioned that seeing each other at lunch in middle school was your favorite memory of you and I. It’s, actually, my absolute favorite memory of you and I. It was the only time, when we dated, that we could physically be together. And, I remember walking down the halls together to our next class—holding hands before arriving to our celebrate elective classes (you were in music and I was in art).

I don’t know if you remember this (probably not), but when we were in the middle school auditorium and I was walking with you out of the door…but right before we did, we kissed. It was very brief (a peck on each other’s lips), but it made an impact on me back then. It was like a surge of electricity shot through my entire body. It was the only time anything we did, physically, happened but it made the most impact.

During middle school, I was sent away to a hospital and you waited for me everyday that I was gone at our same lunch table. When I was an outpatient, you were expelled for a day but still hoped I returned to school. So you rode your bike for several miles from your house and waited outside for me afterschool to see if I would come out. While I wasn’t there, I was returning home from the hospital and saw you riding your bike back home. My mom told me that she saw you waiting for me and I was shocked….but also, it solidified my love for you.

The other 2 times we dated were long distance. Still…being able to be called “YOURS” was all I needed. Talking to you on the phone was the safest I’ve ever felt. You always made me feel safe. We both had our flaws…and despite that, I still saw past it and saw you…the REAL you.

Now, we don’t talk like we use to and we both have families. There are times when I think about you, I’ll put on a video just so I can hear your voice…and to look at the hands I use to hold and how I use to wrap my arms around you. I know that can’t ever be anymore…but I love to watch you from a safe distance and I’m so happy that you are a happily married man.

I will always love you until death. Life separated us and that’s ok. There is so many things that I wish could’ve happened…but it is what it is.

My heart will always love you and I am constantly praying for you. I’m happy for your leadership at the ministry you are at, the businesses you have, the books you’ve published…I always knew you were amazing and the world gets to see you shine bright. I will continue to support you from a distance.

Again, I love you so much. Always 💖

Sincerely,