Under Pressure

I’ve been at my job for almost 18 years. Same company different positions/locations. I’ve been actively trying to better myself outside of work to get away. Well, in small ways. There are so many things I need to be doing to be bettering myself in other ways but i’ll get to that in a minute. With this being said, I had a scheduled physical with my PCP today for another job. Not replacing one just another that is more flexible around my daughter and main job.

Let’s sidetrack for a minute: So, I’m sitting in the patient room and waiting for the doctor after the nurse took my blood pressure. Not just once, but twice. The first try was manual and gave me a headache. The second she brought in their automatic one and after she read the results she asked if I had a headache.  When she leaves, it makes me think about who I want to talk to about it because I was semi freaking out. Then I realized I needed to write here because I don’t really need to tell anyone else. Why? Because I have high BP and I don’t need to hear the bullshit that I need to hear on a regular day about how I need to be taking better care of myself for my daughter and myself. I know that seems a little self-serving but tonight sort of proved that I made the right decision. In some ways, maybe not in others but it is what it is.

Going back to the office for a moment, maybe it’ll explain it all. The doctor put me back on BP medicine and anxiety medicine. Great because I’m gonnna need that! (No sarcasm) But he wants labs. I already was stressing about going in knowing I haven’t taken my blood pressure medicine or anxiety medicine in over a year and hell I haven’t seen him since before covid apparently. I’ve seen one of the other ones but not him and he is who I like. Anywhoo, I was stressing the BP and thinking I had to have a TB test for the physical. Once I went in for labs, it took them 3 times to get a vessel. I was dehydrated, they made me take my mask off, turned the fan on me and gave me water. One lady said she thought i looked faint and asked if I had ever. I said no, but it gives me high anxiety. Especially when I didn’t make sure I was hydrated properly so it hurts like a bitch to me. (If you are in E2M, don’t come at me, I’m struggling mentally right now) I turned in the physical form to be looked over Monday to see if I will pass the board, get my medicine and get home. Had to go get my kiddo from school because the bus was having issues. yay. That’s fine. I don’t mind. Told hubby I wanted something like chicken thighs on the grill and a salad on the side or something for dinner since my bp was higher. He got Mac n cheese. *Eye roll* he hid it in the car in case I didn’t need it but of course him telling me that made me want it, so we cooked it. I was doing good for a while, cooked the mac n cheese and ate a bowl while it was still freshly creamy waiting for the chicken to be finished since he smoked them. I started feeling bleh but didn’t think anything of it. Once the chicken was done, I made a plate and couldn’t finish it because I started feeling nauseous. It just went downhill from there. I started feeling really sick. Checked my BP and it was sky high. I took my medicine around 6:30 and ate around 7. Checked it again 5-10 minutes later and it was higher. So, my sister called me asking something about my hubby and I asked to talk to my mom who was with her. She said we really need to lay off the salty stuff, i know better. But said that it should start really helping after 4 hours. That if it hasn’t gone down then there’s another problem. I took a shower after that talk, and it went down a good amount. Still bad but better. Took a sip of Dr Pepper and it spiked again.

Hubby said I was acting weird. I told him it was high, but I wouldn’t tell either of them how high. I’m writing this because I know it’s been elevated the last few days, that was even concerning for me. But not like this. I tried laying down, but I was too hot, then my heart started beating too fast and almost felt like it was pounding. I should take it again, but Mom said not to get myself worked up over it or it will be elevated. Which I guess makes sense because the only time it was lower was after my shower when I had let myself chill. I need to go lay down, but I just want another shower. I feel overheated yet chilly. I need to look up side effects of a heart attack or heart disease. I know better, my dad died of heart disease that caused a heart attack. He was only 38. I’m 36… two years. I need to get my shit together, but I think I need therapy. I need a lot. I’m going to try to sleep again. Thanks for reading if you did. Enjoy your holidays, I might write more now that I have a computer that’s less of a pain to be on. I love typing, it’s almost therapeutic.