Not So Valentines
I wish this site had an app. I really need to write more. There has been so much going on. Or actually use my computer where I can type faster.
I truly think the lack of intimacy effects your life in so many ways. Especially when you’re supposed to be married. Enjoying that honeymoon phase. That shit died after the wedding night. Got my first great bang that night. Maybe two or three more and April will be a full year. Every once in a while he will kiss me a little longer or tease my tongue with his. I physically shudder with need. He laughs. Not to be mean. Because he likes having that effect on me. But it hurts me. he says he reads me like a book. And I don’t want him to stop because one day maybe it’ll be more. But I fear every day it’s not. I fear that his short lived sexual questioning shouldn’t have been short lived and that maybe I’m just not what turns him on anymore. Because heaven forbid if it’s actually me or my weight, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over that. I’ve had two bad bad men for me who broke me and dragged me through the mud. Maybe even 3 and I just didn’t realize that one was doing it. but I have a genuinely wonderful guy, who works hard (6 days a week 8 to 10 hour days) comes home and puts my special needs kid to bed after I leave for night shift and wakes up and does it over and over. He just hasn’t touched me in any intimate way in so long and I need it. I need a good make out session or something.
Idk. I’m just laying in bed since it’s my last night off and I have to get her on the bus in the morning. I guess I just hoped for something. I don’t go to bed anymore when he does because I can’t stand just laying there hoping he will wake up and make love to me. That I’ve tried making moves. Hell I used to be able to wake him up doing things but I guess he’s just so tired now that it doesn’t do anything. He’s out like a light.
I guess what I need to do is focus on me and getting myself healthy and happy with me. If he comes around we will cross that bridge then.
Have you talked openly with your husband about the issue? Is he aware of how lack of sexual intimacy affects you? If you haven’t spoken with him about it, now is the time to do so. He might not think it’s a problem because he has a lower sex drive than you but it is a problem, for you. Yes, it’s wonderful that he shows you his love in other ways but that’s just not enough. Perhaps couples therapy would be good for the two of you. It might be helpful.
@thebestisyettocome he knows. He doesn’t like to talk about it. He feels like he is a failure because he said he can’t perform. Also he is ocd and we are outliving the space we have with all the stuff we need for my daughter with special needs. Sometimes it just helps me to vent somewhere where no one knows me.
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