Whirlwind

It’s been a hell of a month. Hell since the last time I wrote, I probably should read what I wrote to refresh so I know what I haven’t written about but for now I’ll just get things off my mind. Mainly because I’m trying to keep my mind busy and realized just how much someone is always on my mind. I need to back off of that hella hard.

Let’s start with my Bear’s surgery. That went well. Met her dad, grandma, dad’s gf and her in Benson to pick her up. Then we all met at Duke that Tuesday morning before the surgery. Her doctor is amazing, and we got her in the car and got her home. That was not fun. She’s got casts from her knees to her toes. Then an incision on her inner thigh which sucks when she has BM’s. And because I don’t do well with wounds. That all was stressful by itself but I took the week off so I could be with her and make it easier. That Thursday I went for my first Mammogram and to get an IUD. The mammogram wasn’t pleasant, but honestly the IUD was worse. On top of that I had been off my birth control for over a week and on my period heavily and cramping like a sumbeach. So, because there were so many issues, they couldn’t put it in. That was after 3 tries. I was absolutely miserable that night. Before that I wrote Sparky and basically was in my feelings and he basically said that his life was really complicated right now, and he couldn’t deal with anything more than what was already going on. I think I came off seeming like I didn’t want him talking to other people at work, but what I really meant was why the hell would he want to fool around with me when he basically has his pick of whoever. He’s very attractive, nice and fun to be around. Anyways, I backed off a lot and that was actually good because I had an emotional breakdown at the doctor’s office. The combination of stress and pain just didn’t sit well, I suppose. Things got better with us, I have been trying to keep it simple. Just be a nice distraction from life for both of us.

Jump forward, this weekend. Had an event with the healthy living group I am in. That was in Charleston, so we went down there. That was a lot on her but she got to see her sister, great grandma, aunt and dad. Then we stopped by to see my grandparents before we headed back to the hotel. My grandma said she really needed it because she had been having a really bad day before then. Sometimes work sucks a lot but I got to see Sparky before he goes on a week long trip.

That’s what brings me to todays thoughts. He’s going to be riding a motorcycle to New Mexico for a week. So I won’t really be able to talk to him. That’s good for me because I really need to work on my discipline with working out and eating right. “Will you be mad if I say I’ll miss you? I would just say I’ll miss seeing you but I’ll talk to you less as well. I still like you as a person and will miss our interactions.” All he said was not mad. Today I was writing a little saucy thought and all he said was “I’m sorry I can’t today. Something came up that I have to take care of.” I said sorry and I hope everything was okay. He said thanks. I said welcome. That I’d leave him alone. Just let me know when he didn’t mind me messaging him.

So that’s where I’m at now. He never replied and didn’t read it for a few hours. I have muted my conversation with him so I won’t get notifications. I have also messaged a bunch of other people so I can’t even see his name without an effort to look. Now to work on my discipline to leave him alone. Because I don’t know if this is potentionally something that will end any future communication/potential involvement with him or what. Or something pretty serious that he just didn’t need me distracting him all day. Which is kind of flattering. But still not what I want to do.

I did FINALLY get some from the hubs. He couldn’t go to sleep friday night. Bear went to sleep close to midnight, he said he was wide awake. I said I could help wear him out or something like that and he said he was exhausted. But Saturday morning he woke up in the mood, I guess, and did his thing and went back to sleep. I think it may be another reason I need to back off from Sparky. Not just because it’s morally wrong, I get it, but because hubs doesn’t really do much because “poke” as Bear’s dad used to call it. I dont want to know if he still does. Ew. But if Sparky is even a slight more intune with women’s bodies, then I’m in trouble. Because I cannot orgasm vaginally, he said most women can’t. Hubs has made me a few times in the 8 years we’ve been together but it’s just not as mind blowing as other orgasms. Hell just talking to him on the phone, or even seeing him on video chats gives me better orgasms than I can give myself. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we ever actually were physical. Idk. That’s where I’m at. Trying not to talk to him at all until I hear from him, knowing tomorrow really is the only time I would. And if he doesn’t tomorrow, do I respect the distance I put in place or let him know I hope he has a safe trip and he will be on my mind. Or leave it at have a safe trip.

He said the bike is his happy place. The more I see about people riding the more interested I am. But they still scare me. I think I would feel more comfortable riding on a bigger one than a skinny one. Idk why. I’m tired so I’m gonna go to sleep and hopefully not dream at all. Tomorrow I need to get a lot done so hubs will stress less because he’s stressing me the eff out. I can’t handle it anymore. I need him to chill tf out. So if I can help I’ll do what I can. I’ll probably add some of the “dirty” thoughts I’ve had but in private mode. lol. Can’t let my crazy show.