Yay to being able to vent again…

You can not fathom how happy I am that open diary is back. For one I have a lot of stuff from year and year in here and this is basically my best friend that I can tell everything to and just get things off my shoulders.

This is my hell week. Some years it’s okay, some years it hits me like its hitting me. Honestly it started with my neighboring dying in a head on collision and it being the week before Easter. He left behind a wife and two not fully grown children. Easter is the weekend my dad died. Heart attack on Good Friday, brain dead on Easter. For some reason I always associate my numbers of years with my job with the number of years since he’s been gone minus 1. I guess because that’s what the newspaper said. Idk.

Tonight Sophia was apart of an awards night for Exceptional Children. I was so tickled that she got to be apart of something like that. Especially when this month and her birthday being Sunday hits me so hard sometimes.

I’m sure you might be wondering why. Well Sophia has cerebral palsy and controlled epilepsy. She is completely dependent on all aspects. She has a glowing personality. She’s tube fed and gets all her medicine by G tube. Not complaining, it’s definitely a life saver. And here’s the but… but when I was trying to figure out what to plan for her birthday all these different fun little girl birthday plans came up.  Sleep overs, manicure parties, artsy parties with painting and decorating cup cakes. I paint Sophia’s nails and tell her I’m giving her the spa treatment but its different. Don’t get me wrong, I love this child with every once of my being but sometimes it just breaks me.

Right now I don’t want to be tough. I want to be sad and moody. Oh did I mention I started my period. Yeah so add all that shark week fun and 12 years that my dad has been gone and you got yourselves a fucked up little me.

But I do need to work on me. I’m tired of being on medicine I have to take every day. I’ve been trying so hard to get Sophia off all hers that I let myself get on stuff. Some helps my sanity. Some helps my heart. Literally. I have high blood pressure now.

I don’t remember where this all left off. I doubt anyone reads this but I’ve always written like I have an audience. Even in physical journals.

Anyways I feel a little better, I have to get to sleep. 6 comes too soon especially when Sophia’s bus comes 10 minutes sooner now.