Monday, Again.

 The Registrar that works downstairs from me told me he was retiring, and would not be back after today.  I was so sad about that.  I cried, just a little.
 
Work was okay.  Busy enough.
 
Came home and mother was not here.  Good.  Brother was, though.  Not so good.
 
Microwaved my canneloni, a pouch of vegetables.  Ate maybe half.
 
I am officially down to my last $5.00, and that is on a pre-paid Mastercard.  I have plenty of food, though.  I had $20 credit from my Fly Buys points, so I had bought some frozen meals and vegetables with that.
 
Barely spoke with M today.  He was online when I got up, but I didn’t get to talk to him again.  I miss him, but I realise I am a smothering moron when we are apart.  I think it’s the time difference that makes it so hard.  I finish work at 5pm, which is 1am for him.  He can’t stay up all hours to talk to me.  If I could come home and talk to him, I would be a lot calmer, but it feels like snatching every possible moment with him, and that makes me a bit nutty and desperate.
 
It’s cold and windy tonight, so I put on my old brown boots for a trot out to the garden shed (wearing my shortie pyjamas, nonsense).  I bought those boots about 7 years ago, and used to share them with my sister.  The best way to describe them would be lumberjack boots. I haven’t worn them in at least 5 years, mostly because I think it’s ridiculous to get around in them in this climate, even in the winter.  But, I think they will finally get use when I go the US.  It snows a little in Santa Fe in the winter, and I plan to wear them then.  I will have to get proper boots, because these ones are faux suede above the ankle and will get wet, but they will do in the meantime.  I am actually a little bit excited about that, thinking that I will be wearing them in a few months in the US, with M and Ernie.  
 
Must get boots for Ernie, too.
 
It has been 2.5 weeks now since M left.  Still not feeling great, but I am on the way.  Part of the problem is having no control over the situation.  When M was here, I was the one earning the money.  I sorted out problems for us.  Now, he is in another country, and I am here, and I don’t have a visa.  After 3.5 years, I have to turn around and completely rely on him again.  Rely on him finding work, without being able to meddle.  When I first went over there to be with him, it was a similar situation.  I had no income and relied on him for every single thing.  But I was so naive and went over there blind, throwing myself at the mercy of someone who was almost a stranger.  I am thankful that things worked out the way they did, because it could have been an awful experience.  I haven’t enjoyed being the one to shoulder the responsibility for two, but I did it because this is a partnership, and it had already been demonstrated to me that it was a two way street.  
 
I need to accept that I am in the back seat for this chapter.  M is more than capable of finding work, and he wants me there just as badly as I want to be there.  I need to trust in him and just focus on getting myself through this period, saving money and avoiding bad decisions.  
 
I think I am going to try to get to bed early.  I keep waking at god awful hours to see if M is around online.