Something to look forward to

Im sitting here bored and waiting for time to pass. I cant go to bed until like midnight because I forgot to take my morning pills and didnt take them until noon. I have to take them 12 hours apart so it looks like a late night for me, at least I can sleep in tomorrow. Because of my previous manic episode November/December they added Zyprexa. I started seeing things…crumbs growing legs and walking across my table or moles on my body turning to bugs and burrowing into my skin. Yikes that is fucking hard. My doctor wants me to keep taking it, shes saying the reason I am seeing things is because I am extremely triggered from Delilahs death. I mean shes not wrong. Delilah my two month old niece died a month ago tomorrow. I miss her. I miss my brother. He is so broken. I never got to hold Delilah I never got to meet her because of the pandemic. Her death came 2 weeks after the death of my moms husband. (Not my abuser). My therapist thinks its normal that I am having such an intense reaction to all this. I dont know yall, this sucks though.

My legs are on fire. I decided this year to use lent as my own little time to challenge the fuck outta myself. So I am following the low carb/high fat plan on itrackbites and I am walking 5 miles every day during lent. I am also completely off facebook for the next 40 days. Theres other things like an unpacking challenge and declutter challenge. I am on day 3 of 5 miles per day and my legs hurt so bad. I know I should take a rest day but I told myself I would do it every day so I dont really wanna break it. If my legs hurt too much tomorrow I will decide then. Until that decision is made I am popping pain relievers (advil) and telling myself ‘no pain no gain’ or whatever that saying is.

Jeff and I started a new little date night thing. Its more of a family night thing but its mostly just for him and I. We started the Marvel franchise in timeline order. We have watched Captain America, Captain Marvel and today we watched Ironman. Jeff has seen all of them, I havent. Captain America and Captain Marvel were new. I loved Captain Marvel. I still think Captain America is overrated lol. Idk why.

I downloaded the Peanut app and have met two friends! One is an hour away and doesnt drive or anything so I am not really sure how much we will hang out. The other one lives behinds the boys’ elementary school. I am really excited to actually hang out and see if we click as well in real life as do in text. She seems awesome. I feel like once Covid is over we will know a couple people. We will see.

My sister and I made plans for our families to spend Easter together. My niece (the one who was paralyzed in the accident) is at an incredibly high rate for death due to Covid due to her injuries. Finn is high risk/immunocompromised. We both spend all our time in social isolation (no one in or out, grocery deliveries) We get together a couple times a year after we take covid tests. We havent seen her since mid-january and I miss her and my nieces and nephews (and her husband) terribly. So they are gonna come spend Easter weekend here and its Santanna’s birthday on Easter. I am excited. She has 5 living children and my 6, it turns out to be a fun time. I will have a huge Easter Egg hunt and goodies bags for the kids to be given to them on Friday night. So, I have that to look forward to.

My brother started dialysis last week. My heart breaks for him. He is in high spirits and my mom says hes really making progress as far as learning the machines. I am so, so proud of her and the work she is doing for him. She buried her husband and her granddaughter and was told her sons kidneys were in total failure and he needed dialysis in a fucking month dude. She stands facing the storm unwavering. My mom and I have our issues but I cannot help but look at her and think maybe, maybe I got my strength for her and the long line of Elliot women who came before her.

I think thats all for now guys, love ya!

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February 20, 2021

I am sorry about Delilah.. 🙁 I think my nephew has passed… bc the last time Rob my niece told me that he was homeless… so… but I will remain positive. 🙂 Sounds like you have your life on track…