I danced today

I’m sitting here drenched in sweat, Evanescence’s Imaginary blaring out of my beats pill as I coll down to write this entry. I danced so hard, I sweat for the first time in years. I danced with mixed emotions, I remembered the days when I first to move to the US. I would come home after High School, lonely laying next to my father’s two big speakers listening to Linkin Park, Evanescence, and Guano Apes. I had no direction then.

I remembered dancing through the halls of my school, looking like a fool and not caring. I remember making great friends that helped me get through all this pain back then. I remembered the first time I kissed her behind the Win Dixie as it started to rain, for all our friends to witness. I remembered every single drunk night I would dance into the early mornings until I cured all the numbness inside of me. Lithium.

I was high on so much more than drugs. I remember the drugs taking over. I remembered grief. I remembered what it felt like to have family followed by devastating heartbreak as she said she was getting married. I remembered … that for a long time after I was unable to remember anything. I remember finding something else inside of me, the ability to do things the right way, maybe too right? I remembered breaking someone’s trust and still loving them. I remember the face of my daughter when she hears my voice for the first time, laying on top of my stomach still attached to me. I remember my first girlfriend dying and seeing her dead in a casket. I remembered her little girl holding on to me that day as we had always known each other.

I remembered falling in love with someone who thinks I am worthy of being treated that way. I remember having someone who makes me feel less alone. I remember not knowing why I stopped dancing; perhaps too many reasons? For the past years, I tried to focus on only one emotion. Today, I swept the floor of my kitchen as I turned on Linkin Park, Evanescence, and Guano Apes. Today, I let my self feel all of the emotions. I danced… I fucking DANCED.

https://youtu.be/CUy-IUzyA4k