10/10/2010

Eh, I have zero motivation today! I am at work right now, embarassingly enough. I just can’t get going. I try to get out on the floor and interact with people and in my head, the voice says, "I just cant do this today!" and I retreat to the office and work on paperwork instead of deal with humans. I’m just tired and mentally sluggish today. Im hoping this is an early pregnancy sign…haha…we shall see!

So right now the whole "ttc" trying to concieve thing has been permiating my existance. Not fully- I am not going crazy with this, but I do spend energy on it. My mom doesnt want me to get wrapped up in trying to get pregnant. She said that after she had me, when she was trying for baby #2, she got totally absorbed in trying that she was depressed every month when her peroid came. She said it was really taxing and she doesnt want it to be that way for me- it should be an exciting time in life. And I know she is right. There are MANY MANY women out there in the TTC cyber world that are just consumed by trying to make a baby and every month is such a let down when it doesnt happen. I cant let myself get that wrapped up in this. I will go crazy. So for now, I’m just doing everything I can to increase our chances, working on relationship with hubby, and keeping myself mentally and physically healthy. This is our 2nd cycle of trying. The first cycle I got overly excited and we "tried" too early. This cycle I knew I ovulate a little later than the typical 14th day of cycle…I am more like 16 days. And I think we nailed it. But if not, I will be OK with it. I will be ready for the next cycle and try to enjoy the present.

The present is pretty good too. Me and Paul are on our 7th week of P90X and loving it. I am really starting to get a lot of compliments on how much my body has changed. It hasnt changed a whole lot- im not in a whole new wordrobe or anything- but everything fits better and I feel SO MUCH MORE CONFIDENT in a bathing suit!

We went to the keys this past Monday through Thursday and had a total blast. It was a great way for me to take my mind off of the whole pregnancy thing…because I ovulated the day before we left, and you have to wait 2 weeks after that before you can test, so the wait can feel eternal while you wonder, did it work? did it work??? So Paul and I played on the beach, snorkeled, jet skiid, rode around on our moped….it was amazing. I felt so great running around on the beach in my bikini and not worrying if my "gut" was hanging out or something! Because my abs are much tighter now since starting the program and my body in general feels strong and healthy. It gets better every week. So I told myself, if i dont get pregnant this cycle, the positive side of it is that I get to enjoy my new body, and improve my body, for ANOTHER WHOLE MONTH, before I start getting a baby bump and putting on weight. Yay! Thats a good thing too. Everything right now is about HEALTHINESS. Paul is so amazing with this. He eats right at all costs. He wont cheat for any reason whatsoever. I dont either, but somtimes the choice is eating or not eating while I’m at work, and I eat some non-whole wheat bread if thats what the sandwiches are served on that they are kind enough to give us, for example. Im doing great with the diet too. Im actually really proud of myself but I know I wouldnt be suceeding this much if it wasnt for my strong motivating partner. Having someone to do it with makes it so much easier!

But this week, and I just have to throw this in there, my hunger is wacko! I am currently about 7 days past ovulation and I have been so hungry, exausted, weak, tired, crampy (bad cramps yesterday) and my skin is breaking out which hasnt happened in over a year. I still have 6 days before my period is suposed to start, so its pretty early to have PMS. Plus, emotionally and mood wise I am not feeling PMS’y at all. I feel happy and nice and sweet, haha, not at all like the bitch i turn into around period time!! Man, I am hungry again like an hour after I eat and that is not normal. But that same thing happens before I get my period, sort of. But all of this means absolutely nothing really, because its too early to have real pregnancy symptoms. But I am hopeful that this is our month. And I do feel differently these past couple of days. But I am waiting to see what each new day brings and waiting 6 more days until I can take an at home test.

On the work front, I have a chance to get promoted from assistant restaurant manager to restaurant manager. I interview for it this coming week. I dont have a lot of faith in this though, because theyve already found some canidates. They want to find someone awesome with a ton of experience, but if they cant, then they will just promote me and look for assistants instead. Honestly….as much as this promotion would be good for my resume, and the money increase would be awesome, I would rather have a bad ass working with me everyday that i could learn from. Im not going to learn much by staying where Im at and working alone, only with a new title and a pay increase. My job will stay the same regardless of what happens, only I will have more stress if I get it. Either way it’s a good thing for the family plans…either i get the job and make more money, or i dont but i have less stress and more time to be with family. Its a win win.

Im going to head home to catch a break…and something to eat! 😉