Miracle.

I am pleased to announce that things are 150 times better than they were the last SEVERAL times I wrote in here. WOw. I read back a few entries and it feels like forever ago that things were that fucked up! I guess they werent that bad, but wow. Hindsight is 20/20 isnt it?? If only I knew what to do in all of those situations to get myself out of them. It seems like all I’m doing lately is learning. Learning at work, learning at marriage, learning at…myself. Learning in everything.

Paul and I quit smoking on July 5. We immediately started working out regularly. We got up early and went running together, then swang by the gym on our run home, then made breakfast together and got ready for work. Then we went to work, which up until this week has been at the same restaurant (a temporary thing). Doing these things was great for us, but doing them together was rocky at first. Paul and I work out differently and have a different fitness history. It has been years since Paul really exersized, whereas I have been somewhat consistant with it my whole life. I have always eaten healthy too, which Paul basically never has. SO there was a little power struggle there at first, and a know-it-all complex going on between us, and some control issues. Working together every single day didn’t help matters. We continued to work out etc. in this fashion, until our vacation rolled around. At which point we knew we would take a break and be forced to reevaluate this thing.

We went on vacation for 2 weeks at home in Michigan. At first it was beautiful. We did the friend thing first, partied, did coke one night. Then we went up and stayed with our families, alternating back and forth between who’s house we stayed at. Of course, we get to my parents lovely home, and my religious and medical professional mother has a huge stash of opiates in her bathroom right where they were last year when we first found them. If you’re wondering what the FUCK that is about, you’re not alone. I have no idea. She is a leader in the community, smart, together, everything. Why she keeps 4 different kinds of narcotic pain killers loosely in a drawer I have no earthly clue. But Paul and I take them ALL from her every time we go home. It was all pretty damn inevitable. We were high the entire time we were home, for 2 weeks. It was great at first, as it always is. We viewed it as our LAST HOORAH before going home and starting a new program and a new life. It certainly worked out that way, because things got really really fucking ugly while we were home and high on vacation, running wild, still buzzing off of all the arguing we’d been doing back in florida.

It ended up being the perfect time to hash through what was going on with us at home. We made crazy love many nights, and we fought hard battles. At the end, we were worn out and breathless sitting in my parents kitchen while they were away at work, staring at each other, trying to figure out where to go from here. We talked through it all. I bawled like a teenager desperate for her lover. I finally reached him though, and he opened up to me as well. We made a verbal list of everything the other needed to work on once we got home. Paul confessed that he still desperately wanted to start our family, and I give him all the stipulations. No drugs, no drinking, no fighting, no silent treatment, saving money, getting healthy, being the best we can be. No cutting each other down. Only building each other up. And if we do this, we will get there.

This was in July, and I told him if we change our lives drastically and get back to who we once were, we could start trying in October. There were stipulations involving work as well, goals set, bonuses, raises, promotions, and dedication, etc.

Here we are and its mid september. We havent smoked a single cigarette since July 4. We started P90X right when we got home from vacation in July and we are seriously getting into the best shape of our lives. We saw a nutritionist and got on a meal plan to go along with P90X and our regimine, and we also got supplements and vitamins. We have a set schedule and program which we follow, with flexability allowed for other healthy things. Paul is training to run a 5K on October 1. I almost have my 6 pack abs and Paul looks better than ever. We feel amazing. We work out together, eat breakfast, go to work, clean and organize our house, take trips…lately we’ve been spending out evenings off by going to the beach for sunset, where Paul fishes on the shore and I lay on my blanket and read a book. When the sun sets, we come home and make dinner together and watch a movie. We sleep in the same bed, we get up at 8am every morning. We support each other and nurture each other’s goals. Paul got a 10% bonus last week, and is getting a substancial raise. I got a 3% raise and I am in line for a promotion. I am working hard to improve my performance at work, which has been dissapointing this year. Paul is moving right up with his carreer, and got his CCC certifcation (certified chef de cuisine) which means more money in the long run and some letters after his name on his business card, which we both got printed last month.

Last month we had unprotected sex, but werent really actively trying to get pregnant (timing, charting, all that). But I looked into all the work/financial aspects of getting pregnant, and I knew it would have been bad money wise if I would have gotten pregnant last month anyway! SO I signed up for short term dissability with work and its effective now, so if i get pregnant in october i am covered. I will be getting NEARLY all of my salary for 3 months after my baby is born, and therefore dont have to go back to work for 3 months. That is more than I thought possible. I’m actually only losing 100 dollars a month on this plan, and i dont have to work.

Now we are heading into October…I ovulate on October 1 and we are trying seriously that week. I bought the necessary tools and I saw the doctor….we understand that this process could take longer than we think, but we are starting now and hoping for a blessing. We have truly changed our lives and our marraige. We have some more work to do, but I feel more in control of my life than I ever have.

<3 Erin