im mad i guess?

Whew! Ok sorry. Ive been so pissed off lately and I dont really know why. I’m not PMSing or anything, haha…i normally feel this pissed off only around that time of the month. I need to sort this out though. I tried talking to paul this morning but it didnt go that well. I was unarticulate and he didnt know what i was saying, and frankly neither did i. maybe its because im still not sure what im so mad about. Let me think.

I feel left out a lot lately. like im getting the fucking shaft 6 out of 7 days a week when it comes to my husband and our friends and what everyone is doing. its lame and immature, but its starting to really piss me off that the day everyone gets together and does something cool is the day i am working. and then everyone comes in to my work and drinks all night while im here cleaning up after them. Pisses me off. Its childish but hey.

i feel left out, secondly, because paul has done several things in about 2 weeks time that i didnt do with him and that he never sat down and told me about. i hate that feeling. i dont have to know every detail of what he does, but it feels weird when he does stuff while im working then has nothing to say about it after. Like he met these guys at a store on the island, who invited him late night tarpon fishing on their boat the night of a big tournement. He was happy that the guys were nice enough to ask him along, when they dont even know him. he was excited to go. I was working that night, got off around 9:30 and went over to our friends house only because his girlfriend (my friend) had just gotten here, visiting from out of state. I thought, any minute he will call me and ask where i am cuz he’ll get home and i wont be there. He didnt call, so i called him finally. he was rushing around getting ready to go out fishing with these new guys…i had totally forgotten it was that night, because he hadnt mentioned it in forever.  He didnt say much about it, just kinda like see you later on, and was hurrying to get out there. he didnt say when he’d be home or anything. Then the next day we didnt see much of each other, and he still hasnt told me anything about it. And one night i got home from work late expecting him to be sitting there, and he wasnt home. No text, no nothing. He showed up an hour later, drunk, and said he had been over at dave/brians. Thats exactly where he was, yeah, but he was acting all fucked up drunk or something. The next day Nate tells me he was hanging out over there too with a buncha people. Nate never hangs out over there…its something paul would have normally mentioned. I just felt left out, and wanted to know who was there, and i felt shitty that he didnt wait a freaking hour longer for me to get off work so i could go too. He came in all drunk and went right to sleep on the couch. OK…thanks a lot. I know these are pety things, but they add up and make me feel like shit.

He’s been sleeping on the couch like every fucking night for weeks. Not for any reason, he just falls asleep out there watching tv and doesnt ever wake up and come to bed with me. I used to wake him up myself and beg him to come to the bedroom and sleep with me, but over the past week i just stopped. Now ive gotten used to sleeping by myself and its kinda nice. i can read for however long i want to, get the whole bed to myself, and i have trained our new kitten to sleep with me. The past 2 nights he’s slept with me again, and it was annoying. He doesnt respect my training with the new bengal kitten, he doesnt let me read because he wants the light off, and he hogs the whole fucking bed. This issue, again, is really fucking stupid but to me these are red flags and its freaking me out deep down inside so im resisting it all and its coming out as ANGER. Ive been really angry lately, and thats not normal for me. I know its because of these little issues.

We have no fucking sex life, excuse the pun. We had sex a couple days ago, the day my parents left from their visit so it was wednesday….but it wasnt that great at all. THAT WAS BECAUSE OF ME, i know that. Im not confident so obviously sex is going to be medicore and i’d rather have him do all the work. Until he gets me into it, and then i let loose a little. Which barely happened on wednesday. LAME LAME LAME. We both make comments sometimes about how we dont have sex anymore lately…i make them more than he does, but i know i need to put my money where my mouth is if i want to keep that attitude up, because im complaining about an issue that i could help address myself, but im too chicken shit lately to just jump his bawls and do the damn thing if thats what i want to do.

My parents were in recently for a visit and it went well, but not great. I loved seeing them, but i had to work a lot during their stay so i felt guilty 99% of the time they were here….hense all my lingering anger. I feel like my mom didnt really enjoy it that much, and i also feel guilty about how much their room ended up costing them here, and i feel guilty about asking work last minute for the rooms….guilt just piled up over this BS. Guilt = Anger. Always.

So these are a couple of the reasons why i have been so gaddamn pissed off. Now what to do to fix it.