Convincing myself.

I think I might have some kind of lame drinking problem.

I probably have a little drinking problem.

I’m pretty damn sure I might be addicted to alcohol in some way……

Yeah, I’ve got a fucking drinking problem.

But its not a big one and i’m totally confident its completely managable. Its just annoying me and its like, hard to ignore and I feel so fucking pathetic and lame and …. like a weak idiot. Like a weak little liar.

Im just being honest.

I told myself I was going to stop drinking, as in drinking alone when its completely uncessary, for the new year to get healthy. I didnt drink the 1st because I was hung over as fuck. I didnt WANT to drink on the 2nd, but it was girls night and I drank only wine, but WAY too much of it, and I didnt even want to drink. Thats kind of how I knew I needed to stop drinking. I felt like shit. I didnt enjoy it but I had a good time out. I NEVER GO OUT. This is not about partying or going to bars. I dont need to cut back on that, HAHAH thats laughable. Its just the booze. So the 3rd I didnt drink at all (hungover anyway). I woke up friday and I felt great! Finally! I didnt really drink friday, but I did have a tiny glass of white wine at this event i was dragged too, then a half glass of champagne that my MIL insisted on for her last night. I dont count this as drinking at all. Again- laughable. I woke up this morning and felt so damn good. Skinny, even. Feeling so good in the morning just reinforces the fact that my body needs a break from booze.

What am i doing right now? Drinking vodka. Alone, after I put the baby to sleep. (yes- i always wait until she goes to bed and I do not drink with the baby! Come on!). Why!? I dont know. Becuase i have a 1/4 of a fith left in the freezer and i feel like i needed to finish it off or its just going to sit there teasing me. Im drinking because I feel like its ok, and i dont have to stop, and its all fine, and I can do what I want, and I dont have a problem or anything. And because the amount that i have left wont make me feel badly in the morning anyway so its all still good. But after my 2nd drink I’m starting to see that, embarassingly enough, I like to drink. A lot. Alone. For no reason. I am compelled to have a drink when Im alone, without the baby, while Paul is at work, and if i dont—-it feels like im empty and useless and doing nothing.

Aside from that, I’m upset about Adam’s death and his funeral today and what my friends up north are going through tonight.

I dont need to be that person who stops drinking 100%. I’ve never been that person. Its just the moderation i need. I seriously celebrate my accmplishments if I go one or 2 days without any alcohol at all. That to me seems a little suspect. I am fully going to endulge when there is something going on. I am going to allow myself to drink if i have date night or actually go out because i have a babysitter (haha never!) or have an event or something. I dont need to take that away from myself- im not an alcoholic. but its just worrying me how i need to drink every single night, even if im in my jammies watching elf by myself. I wish I could get away from that. Its putting weight on me and making me feel sick. I consume alcohol pretty much every night. No exaggeration. That was normal in college but im 26 and its just not healthy for my liver. Honestly its just this habit i’ve fallen into that is UNEXPECTEDLY hard to break and its a little jarring.

I thought i could do this easily but its proving more difficult than i thought.

Realistically, i need to wait until after my parents are gone, on Jan 16, and then DO NOT KEEP ANY BOOZE IN THE HOUSE, EVEN RED WINE. I can have some wine one day a week and only on the weekends, but come on…hard liquor? Really? Lets try to keep it to beer and wine. I deserve a little "taking the edge off" after a fucking killer week of nursing school and needy husband and 18 month old toddler. I wont deny myself that and I dont see why I should have to. but every night— thats over kill.

OK- so the 16th is going to kick off my clean streak. That I can work with.

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January 5, 2013

Yeah… It was normal in college, but I myself, had to work hard to break that.. it’s so weird, how all those stupid health classes about alcohol might have not been a joke. Good luck! Once in a while is a good time, but every night is a bit much — I agree! Best wishes! I added you, so I hope to see good progress.

January 5, 2013

Good luck go u! I know that it’ll be cake for ya! I don’t usually drink myself (I over eat like crazy…hence me being EXTREMELY overweight. Food is my addiction.) But I have been craving some wine more than I’d like go admit. I agree with u…if takes the edge off after a long day.

January 6, 2013

RYN: No I do not swaddle at all. There is too much research to suggest it interferes with breastfeeding, and natural child response and bonding with the mother. I do baby wear. That is different, that is holding the baby close and not restraining them, especially while eating. I have a moby which I love, and I like my ring sling when they are older.

January 6, 2013

Also on having the baby in the middle of a semester. I have 2 online classes, 2 on campus, one of my campus classes will go to online for a while after I have the baby, the other will allow me to bring the baby. (amazing really) I am working closely with the title 9 adviser at my school to make sure I am on track. Pregnant students have rights, the same as non-pregnant students. The back up plan is to give me an incomplete in every class, and then give me an extension in every class for the matching dates of my leave. Hopefully it will all work out. I think I am crazy, but on paper it seems to want to work.

January 6, 2013

I think my man has a drinking problem. He doesn’t like when I say that. I don’t use the term alcoholic, because to me that is someone who is physically addicted and has withdrawal symptoms. But if you feel like you have a slight issue with it, heres my advice. It’s what I asked my man to do. Dedicate 2 weeks out of the month where there is not a drop of alcohol. Doesn’t matter when it happens, jus

January 6, 2013

just that it happens some time during the month. The other 2 weeks you can drink, depending on what you have going on. Yeah it involves some planning to figure out if there’s parties or what not but I think it’s a good thing to do. Then you know you have some time for you to do what you want and some time that you can detox your body from it.

January 7, 2013

I could have written this entry myself – seriously !!! Good luck to us both this year… My resolution is to kick the habit as well… Especially as we’re trying for a baby!

January 7, 2013

please don’t take this the wrong way, but drinking and posting on OD don’t mix.

January 7, 2013


January 22, 2013

RYN: I hate hospitals, so many rules, and nurses and noises.

January 25, 2013

RYN: Yeah, I haven’t minded being pregnant until these last two months. My hips are just killing me when I lay or sit down! It’s been so hard to wait these last few weeks. I’m naturally an impatient person, and that’s compounded by the fact that my fiance and I chose to not find out the sex, lol. Thanks for the well wishes! Good luck with everything yourself!