Do I feel? Well, sort of.

Listening to: Sunny Day Real Estate. And loving it.

I’m starting to realize that I am not very articulate. That’s a problem. While being level-headed is boring, I find, being foggy-minded is a side effect of having a creative affect, and it has it’s major draw backs. I can’t get to the bottom of anything. I can’t feel the gist of it all. I feel everything in a slideshow, all at once. One-track-mind I have NOT. More like a multi-track mind, a skipping record. No focus.

What’s on my mind??

My whole body hurts, and I continuously feel like I’ve been run over by a bus or a fucking plow. I see the Chiro-doctor every Monday and Wednesday. That’s every other day, minus weekends. Thats rediculous. Maybe thats also the cause of my problems. Having someone slam their body weight into my back every other day has to have its price.

 

I’m suposed to do dance-like exercises. Strenthen my hip flexors again. I’ve done it a little…not sure why I haven’t full-on persued it. I wish I could get back into the studio on a regular basis, but shit–I can’t even get myself back into the gym. I used to work out everyday, about 4-5 days a week I guess, and now I haven’t been since Mother’s day. Thats really bad. I feel like shit about this. I feel fat and awful and generally bad about myself, and I know this has to do with more than just the damn gym. This is also effecting my sex life in a horrible way. Well, lots of things are effecting my sex life, i’m convinced. Just not sure what they are.

Hope~ Somehow, everythings gonna fall right into place. If only we had a way to make it all fall faster everyday~If only time flew like a dove, we could watch it fly, and keep looking up…~

Paul and I discuss Florida and moving and where-to and all that. We discuss it a lot, but we’re sort of at a standstill, still. In a week or so, we are suposed to hear back from Chef T and he can give us a formal offer in Florida. Thats the way its suposed to work, anyway. We’re still seriously considering Miniapolis, and Boston, and anything else that comes our way. I feel strong and proud in what we have done for our careers. I am hopeful that everything will turn out perfectly. It seems like for us, hard work has truly proven to pay off in the past. I have hope that it will continue to in the future, as long as we keep working hard like we do. I’m not unsettled by this upcoming decision: We have until September, according to no one but us…in reality Paul doesnt graduate his program until mid-Nov. But of course we want to be settled with our plans by then.

~Close your eyes and make believe, that this is where you want to be~

We daydream about a clean, white, new apartment. Searching for shells on the beach. Walking barefoot outside at night. Smoking cigarettes on our balcony. starting over.

these fears come rushing in when i enter here
another layer on my back
a blazing fire where our glances meet
the largest feeling towering over me
 

I feel really bad about ignoring Paul and pushing him away from me. I’m not sure why I’m doing it. I’d like to think its simple, and I just feel gross lately, but like I said I know its got to be more. Its not about him, its got to be something going on with me. No libido, no desire to be touched at all. I feel so loveless that I’ve started to read twlight books again. I’m just about finished with new moon. I know this is lame sounding. But for me, my thing with twilight is not about being obsessed over it. Its not about Edward, or Robert Pattinson…Something about reading those books is thereputic for me. I feel like I can dissapear into another place, into another person. I feel this world of love and magic and I don’t want to leave it. If another book gave me the same feeling, I would read it 1,000 times too. But nothing else does, hense, I am re-reading the series AGAIN. So unlike me. I don’t care. My mom laughs her ass off everytime I mention this stuff, which is rare, due to the laughing. She knows how unlike me this is. We read the same stuff, and I’ve never read anything of this nature. Like I said, its not a book–or something. Its more like an—escape…or something.

Living life inside a dream, time is changing everything…~

I miss home, but I’m doing OK. There are moments, mostly while driving, that it is stabbing clear that I would rather be driving down M-22. I would rather be laughing at the clock with Emily or sitting at East Bay Park with Kelli. I would rather be jumping into lake michigan with Paul chasing after me. But I am a goddamn adult and its childish to miss home. Its not home that I miss- it’s that beautiful town and my amazing "home" friends and my supportive family. I miss having time to spend with people I love. I miss everyday contact with familiar things. I miss having other things to think about besides A RESTAURANT. A fucking restaurant.

SiGh…I shouldn’t say that. I love restaurant life. This is what I do. This is what I chose. This is who we are. I just know that there is more to life than working, and I’m looking forward to a time when I will get to be a part of that life. With Paul, and the people we care about. No replacement, filler-people. No getting high to escape the physical pain of being beat down and defeated.

I want to be charmed by ordinary things again.

 

Did I mention that Paul really, really, really wants a baby? He expects us to be pregnant shortly after moving to the next place we go. I have resisted this, not necesarily because I don’t want to, I’ve realized, but more because I am scared? Scared that it wont be the best time? Scared that it wont be like I imagined it, or dreamed it would be? I’m scared that he wont be the kind of parent I need, and that I wont be the kind of parent I want myself to be? I believe these are truths. I’m just not sure…but I know I can’t expect myself to be sure about something as monumental as deciding to start a family. Right? I’ve always said that I would know when it was time. I feel like when we get to this &quo

t;place", literally and figuratively, I will be able to deipher if it feels right or not. I believe that wholeheartedly. I will know, when we get there. I guess I’m just a little worried that it wont feel right, and I will have this battle to fight with Paul, one that is serious and huge and relationship-altering.

And I say its not that I don’t want it to happen–I say that because part of me does want it to happen. Not for Paul, but for me. At work I see children come and go all day. I see them at all ages, their baby-blonde hair, their tiny freckles, their chubby baby-legs. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a mother. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve got names all picked out and ready to go, names that change every time I feel a connection to a new name, because this is hugely important to me. I can’t wait for this time in our lives together. For this time in MY life. Its just so permanent. Its the end of one era and the dawn of another. We can’t go back once we cross that line into being parents of CHILDREN. Kids! Babies! Newborn, toddler, teenager…god its just overwhelming. But so is the desire for all this sometimes. So is the fear, at opposite times.

Reach
Keep reaching
For me
Does it make you nervous
When you hear my bones
Animate my body
Without my soul?

I’ve been throwing myself head-first into the weirdest things lately. Like I said, maybe an escape from the inner workings of my chaotic mind. Tomorrow I will get a healthy dose of reality however, when I spend the day with Kerri in Roanoke. We’ll see how that goes. She is shopping for her wedding dress and also a dress to wear to a friend’s wedding. I want to go–I could definately use some girl time and real human convirsation that is not devoid of slang and strictly 5-star. But I’ve been so lost in my own head lately that I’m a little afraid that I can be animated and girly and carry on a convirsation about her wedding thats not fake…this will be a test to see if I am offcially over my own wedding yet or not. I think I am, based on the past SEVERAL months of my reactions to wedding-like things. But you never know. I might die of envy when I see her in a wedding dress that she can picture herself actually getting married in. Why? To be brief, my wedding day was the best day of my life, and the days leading up to it were the best weeks and months of my life. Now its over and I can never go back and relive it. It took me a long time to mourn the loss of my "special day". Every girl gets one, and I sure had mine, but no one told me I’d be so sad when it was gone. I’m not anymore- Christ its been a year and a half now. But my wedding and all the love behind it was so meaningful and special and just fucking amazing/beautiful/everything…its hard not to look back on it with longing!

What’s keeping my tongue tied?
I see when you roll your eyes
I swear any moment you will hear
My spirit explode

This Lortab is starting to kick in and my back doesnt feel like its shattering beneath my skin now, finally. Can I just say that I love Hayley Williams’ voice???? Holy hell. I do. I so wish I was her, with that SPUNKY fuckin attitude, the way she just lets LOOSE, no worries…

I’ve also been thinking that I would love to go get boudoir photographs taken of myself professionally. There is a studio in town that does them. I could give them to Paul as a gift, and that could be my excuse for getting them done. The truth is I think it would be thereputic. They have a program for eating dissorders (among other problems) where they take nude photos, but not icky ones, just tasteful ones (no crotch shots). But the point is you have to be NAKED when you get them taken, and then you look beautiful in them, etc. etc. I really want to have some artful pictures of myself that I can feel good about. Something that is an outward expression of myself. Kind of like how I really want to get my tatto touched up so that I can really be proud of it. So I can feel that it accurately expresses what I want it to. I see these amazing pictures of other people, and I want to have something like that of myself. I can’t do photo editing like everyone else on the internet can–believe me I’ve tried. And our digi camera kind of sucks. I will see how much this would cost next time I’m in town.

THIS IS THE PLACE I CALL HOME:

Taken by my brother Joe, at the sand dunes.

Also taken by my brother Joe, at one of the beaches…

And with that, I am out.