Last night,

..the dream I had, before it fades away.

I was riding passenger in my parent’s van. My dad was driving. It was evening and we were going to get something for the dogs, I believe it was "soft paws" for their nails.

"is the pet store in here? It is right?"

"Yeah I think so, but it might be in the other mall, I can’t remember."

"Well, we’ll look here and if its not, we’ll just go to the other mall." I was picturing a tiny little pet store with a automatic door in the front. We turned right into the shopping complex and there it was, the HUGE franchise pet store that looked multi-level. It was right there to our left, the hugest pet store ever. My dad swung the van up to the curb, stopping in front of the door and leaving the car to idle as he jumped out.

"I’m just going to run it and get it," and he was gone.

The wave of sneakyness washed over me, like it tends to do. I instantly started sifting through the basket of crap my mom keeps on the floor in the center of her van. I think I was looking for something to eat, candy or chocolate or something.

But to my suprise, underneath receipts and note papers were crisp, clean, new dollar bills spread out in fans throughout the basket. They were almost solely $20’s, but between the items of useless junk were a few crimpled up 10-dollar bills, old and faded. My heart started racing and I kept sifting through the basket. The 20’s were everywhere, underneath everything I lifted up, fanned out in perfect symetry like they had just come out of the ATM.

I started reading through some of the papers, looking into the evelopes, etc. I noticed there were several red and white envelopes with writing written in ink on them. ATM deposit envelopes. One was already torn open. Inside I found a layer of money, small bills followed by a receipt followed by a bunch of 20’s followed by another receipt, layering them into some kind of order. I jumped as my dad opened the door and jumped back into the car, shopping bag in hand. He kept his eyes on the road and threw the van in drive.

"I have to stop at an ATM and get some money before we go to the movie."

I sat motionless, afraid, but then spoke what I was thinking. "Here dad," I said, holding out one of the envelopes and a wad of cash. "Why don’t you just use this?"

"What is that!?" He was alarmed, and angry, and I began to regret opening my big mouth.

"There is a ton of money here in mom’s basket. I only mention it because maybe you don’t have to go to the ATM…you could just use this…" I was unsure of what to say.

"No, thats her’s. I will get my own. Where is it from?" He ripped one of the deposit evevelopes out of my hand and held it up to read it. "Beckley, Washington DC. She got it from Beckley. Oh, Ok." We were both reassured by this because in this dream, Beckley was near home (*though in reality, Beckley is only near where I live, not home where this dream takes place).

But something was weird to me about the way he was reassured and didn’t care why my mom would have SO MUCH cash sitting in her car. I instantly thought: drugs.

We pull up to the movie theater and my dad asks me if I’m ready to go. He jumps out, and I say yes to the silence of the parked van. There was something unerving about the tone in his voice and the way he left ahead of me. I open my door to leave only after shoving a few wads of 20’s into my wallet. No one would notice anything was missing, what with the sheer amount of money present there.

"I thought you said you were ready to go," he said ahead of me.

"I am ready! What do you mean?" I was scared he saw me steal the money.

"You’re not ready. I saw your wallet out. You take a methadone?"

"A methadone?? No…"

He interrupted me. "Don’t you need to?"

"No…I don’t take methadone anymore." My heart was racing as I analyzed whether or not I should have even said "anymore". He must have some terribly incriminating evidence against me. But maybe not, and I just turned myself in by saying that.

But I was clean. I wasn’t high, and I would never be high when I went to a movie with my dad. My precious dad. I was eager to spend this time with him, and it was getting ruined.

"well I do," he said, not looking at me, still walking ahead.

With my hands in my jacket pockets, I ran 4 quick little steps to catch up to him, angling my head around to try and see his face. "WHAT!?"

"Yep. I’m addicted Erin." My jaw hung open in speachless shock. My memory flashed straight back to my mom’s bathroom drawer, the stash of pills, and my fear that my mom would know I took them when they went missing. Suddenly I understood that it was my dad who would have been suspect in stealing them. Wait, was that his stash? I was confused.

All I could think was that it wasn’t my MOM who was abusing the pills, like I had thought. It was actually my dad. My sweet innocent dad. And he knew that I also shared his secret.

Dad, I miss you!

I woke up to the dizzy drumming of my pounding heart.