Progress.

The stress I wrote about in my last entry has died down SOME; not completely but I have a stressful job and I knew this was going to be difficult. I talked to my mom about work, and managing PEOPLE, and she gave me some great advice. Just talking to her soothed me quite a bit because I know she understands exactly what I’m talking about and I trust her wisdom and guidance on this issue. Of course, she had to throw in prayer at the risk of sounding preachy…I know she is right, but I haven’t really gotten to that part yet. I fell off the prayer wagon and its always really hard to get back on after a long time away.

I know this stress is hard on my body and I can feel it; I haven’t been very healthy overall lately and I need need need to make my health more of a priority even in the face of all these obstacles. The old me would have never let it get this far. I haven’t gone to the gym ONCE since I started my new job (mother’s day) and I have allowed myself to slack off in the food department. This is SO unlike me, but I’m making so many excuses for myself. Its never been this bad! Somehow I am able to justify eating black raspberry sorbet at work at the end of a long day. I am THAT fried! Its like–beating me down, i swear. I told my mom that–I told her I was a little bit dissapointed in myself for letting this stuff defeat me so much. She laughed and said that was rediculous, etc. etc. but I didn’t tell her all the ways it has beaten me down and defeated me, like how it has kept me from my gym routine and from eating healthy, kept me from sleeping, smiling, feeling confident about myself…like I said, it has gotten a lot better since I talked to my mom and I don’t feel like things are getting to me that much. I’m still tired and I’m still sleeping TERRIBLY, but finally getting 2 days off this week has helped a bunch.

I was off today and I got my haircut, finally. I put on a hot pink shirt and did my makeup nice FOR ONCE and I felt great on my drive to the salon, blasting music and enjoying the summer heat. I felt myself thinking, I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I felt like it was the first day of summer or something and I had been hybernating. We were both off yesterday too, which should have made for a great summer day…but we both ate a ton of pills first thing in the morning so our beach trip was totally dulled. We argued on the way there (I was pissed off that he had decided to "clean" our computer out and deleted all my favorites, which he thought were just garbage taking up space…does anyone call the link to their financial aid account garbage? Or the link to their work email? Somehow Paul thought so!!!) and while it was beautiful outside, we had plenty of beer and lots of good friends, all I did was sit in my beach chair drinking a beer and staring off into the water. I was high, yes, and very very tired, and still a little peved at Paul, and irritated at life in general. I was glad we went; all I wanted to do anyway, and all I was UP FOR, was sit in the sun and drink a beer silently, and thats what I did so….it was fine, but those kind of days make realize that some things could be a 10 and because I am defeated by my own life and driven to take pills every chance I get, they are only a 5. Its my own fault and I’m never that dissapointed in the way these things turn out, it just makes me wonder if i’m doing things the right way, if i’m maybe missing out on my life because I’m so tired and unhealthy and high all the time. I think I’m making my days more fun and interesting and RELAXING overall by taking a bunch of shit before I go anywhere on my days off, but I’m starting to think I only ruin in for myself?? I don’t know. Honestly I haven’t decided. Either way, I’m experimenting with sobriety today– my last day off before work tomorrow–and not taking anything. Not that I don’t want to.

Now I feel the need to mention that I only take pills when I am off–on my weekends only. I am never ever high at work. My job is too important to me and I am "on stage" way too much for that crap. Not that I have to defend myself, I just want it to be clear.

Not much else to report these days–all we do is WORK and when we’re off we drink and get the rest we can’t have during the work week.

Oh–we are making progress in our moving plans and next job. I haven’t written about this much but Paul graduates his program by the end of this year (october or november hopefully, December at the latest) and we have been agressively job hunting for that next big move. The CMC we’ve been working under is leaving (GASP!) so everything has changed around here but Chef T. has asked Paul to come with him on his next venture. Its a total honor to be asked, and we’re still ironing out the details, but it all sounds good. We have other offers as well, and in time we will have the details of each offer and make a decision from there.

Option #1: Gasparilla Inn and Club, Gasparilla Island Florida.

• Paul would be a sous chef under incredible CMC, someone he knows well and has worked with for 4 years. They would be cleaning house and firing a lot of people and implementing a new program. I have been offered a restaurant management position already, from someone I’ve worked with before. This job comes with a paid-for apartment on the island, and the inn is closed 4 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR. Those 2 things are a major perk. We’d be salary still, of course, so we’d have to be around for these 4 months in some fashion, but not full time.

Option #2: The Boston Gardens, owned by Delaware North Companies

• Paul would be a sous chef in a company own by another incredible CMC. DNC owns the Celtics and therefore the stadium they play in, the Gardens. They have a fine dining restaurant there that he would help run, as well as "the lofts", where they serve a tasting menu to VIP guests in private lofts watching games, shows, and concerts. Paul would get certified in ACF very quickly, could do ice carving still, and all the chefs with this compan compete in the Olympics in cold food so Paul could be a part of that still. I don’t have a job there yet, but if I remember correctly we gave them my resume. We haven’t had a chance to speak to the guy giving us the jobs yet FULLY, just here and there, but its promising. He offered him the job, but hasnt given us the details of pay or living or anything,

Option #3: DNC owned Minniapolis Twins and the stadium there in MN

• Since DNC owns the Twins, they would like to implement the same sort of program they’re already doing in Boston. They want to do the tasting menu in the private lofts, and have a fine dining restaurant. They need 5 sous chefs to help open this up and brainstorm, etc etc. It would be great to have opening experience on the resume, so thats a perk. Same things apply here as in boston– ACF certifacation, ice carving, olympics. I havent discussed jobs for me yet, but I’m even more sure they are there considering this is a new development. I think this place is the closest to home for us, though still far away.

Its all pretty exciting…I can’t wait until we know for sure and have officially decided on something.